The Angry Young Bostonian

The Sports Talk of Boston

2009-07-16T13:05:00.002-05:00

I've railed against the state of Boston radio a couple times in this space before, here and here, but the news of a couple days ago was quite a shocker -- pioneering rock station WBCN is switching to an all-online format, with top 40 station WBMX (Mix 98.5) assuming the vacant 104.1 terrestrial frequency and the creation of an FM-based sports talk station, WBZ-FM to take over the 98.5 frequency. That's a reshuffling that's quite indicative of not only the state of Boston-area radio, but the radio industry worldwide.

Radio long ago ceased to be about the content and is now entirely about the business bottom line. If a block of airtime isn't generating enough ad sales revenue, then change the block's content. If the entire station isn't bringing in enough ad sales revenue -- change the station format.

There are so many ways a person can satisfy their musical tastes in a format other than over-the-air radio, it's almost not worth it to play music at all. The very thing radio stations like WBCN were attempting to achieve in the 60's and 70's -- education and celebration of great music -- were their downfall, now that someone can click on over iTunes to download their favorite tracks, rather than chancing it by listening to the radio for 30 minutes, or sign up for a Pandora account and listen to only the artists/types of music they appreciate.

These days, if I am listening to the radio in the office, it's online with BBC6, a British-based station that's in online-only format. They play music I like and keep it varied. That's my taste.

On the flip side of things, WBZ-FM comes along as the third sports-talk station to take on WEEI in recent years. Where ESPN and The Zone have failed, WBZ-FM has strength -- local coverage (or in ESPN's case, lack-of) and signal (The Zone doesn't have a strong one). The new lineup has already been leaked to the masses and it looks strong: Toucher and Rich can certainly give the blowhard duo of Dennis and Callahan a run for their money in the morning, and I just hope that Gary Tanguay has the good sense to maintain interesting discussions with interesting guests in the afternoon -- that's all he'll need to beat the bloated idiots on The Big Show. WBZ-FM also benefits from the Boston Globe not banning its staff from appearing on-air, so the pool of talent from which to pick to appear on-air is already deep for this fledgling station.

...Five Years / My Brain Hurts A Lot

2009-07-06T21:43:00.004-05:00

It hasn't been that long since I last wrote in this space, but I just am digesting the fact that it has been five years since Nomah's last at-bat at Fenway Park. Time flies.

Seeing the highlight reel before the game tonight, watching him answer questions about the Boston fans and what they meant to him, and seeing that rousing, standing ovation before his first at bat at Fenway in five years really made me feel for the guy. In the late 90's/early 00's, he was the king of the Boston sports scene -- a sure shot Hall of Famer and the face of the Red Sox organization. Everything seemed to go in a reverse direction for him starting with the trade to the Cubs in 2004 -- watching the Red Sox win two World Series without him on the roster, and nagging injuries reducing his career to not much more than a utility role.

Ironically, it's a player like Nomar that the Sox could use right now, with Mike Lowell and Jed Lowrie both dealing with their own injury issues.

Bill Belichik and His Kicking Quarterbacks

2008-12-28T15:24:00.003-05:00

... A good name for a sixties folk group, I'm sure, but more pertinent for the HC of the NE P's and his late-season plays involving his quarterbacks and their feet. A couple years ago it was Doug Flutie successfully drop kicking the ball for an extra point against the Dolphins (the first successful drop kick in over 60 years). Today it was Matt Cassel, punting the ball on 3rd and 8 with 5 minutes left in the game to give Buffalo the ball at their one yard line -- another brilliant call by Bill Belichick, using the awful wind conditions to his advantage and essentially sealing a Patriots win by requiring the Bills to move the ball 99 yards to get at most 8 points with the clock counting down.

Well That Makes Sense...

2008-12-24T09:09:00.002-05:00

Money had long ago become an object for the Northernmost teams along I-95 -- the off season is all about strategy right now: What pitcher on our team counterbalances a batter on their team? What ballpark improvements can counterbalance their new ballpark? And on and on.

Last night the Yankees most definitely outmaneuvered the Red Sox to the point where it's almost a joke. Signing Mark Teixeira not only gives them the most coveted free agent hitter of 2009, it also puts the Red Sox in an extremely awkward corner. Who is the second-most coveted free agent hitter of 2009? Old friend Manuel "Manny" Aristides Ramirez -- that's who. How convenient that the Red Sox and Manny Ramirez had a messier breakup than Brad and Jen this past summer.

The Yankees outspent the Red Sox yet again, and can afford to keep doing so -- revenues from their brand new stadium can almost guarantee this. I can't wait to sit behind a pole in Fenway's right field grandstand next year, directly facing center field and thinking to myself "I really appreciate the ownership throwing the idea of a new stadium away in order to maintain the historical integrity of this place. I don't miss the amenities or financial benefits of something new. More restaurants under the stands, please!"

Still, not all is lost -- the Red Sox were a healthy Josh Beckett away from going to the World Series in 2008, so they certainly won't be a quiet team this year. They still have the 2008 MVP and a 2008 MVP candidate in Pedroia and Youklis, respectively. They have an amazing, young hitter in Jason Bay. Jonathan Papelbon is one of the best closers in the game.

Things do need to happen if they want to get over that hump: the rotation as a whole needs to pick it up a level -- Tim Wakefield needs to retire or move to the pen and the team needs a 4th and 5th starter; Don Corleone needs to grab Jacoby Ellsbury by the face and yell at him to "act like a man!" Shortstop and Catcher positions are still big question marks.

Unfortunately for the Red Sox, the Yankees have fewer question marks. Really, just two -- the back end of their rotation and the bullpen. If the Yankees knew what was good for them, they'd return Joba Chamberlain to the pen and groom him to be the closer of the future, leaving the 4th and 5th starter spots open and introducing the question of who takes over the 7th inning.

Even if The Yankees need more help in their bullpen, they figure to just outscore opponents enough to make up for any shortcomings.

It's going to be an interesting 2009.

Oh Netflix, You Know Me So Well

2008-12-23T15:42:00.003-05:00

"At a Dresden hospital in 1945, nurse Anna Mauth (Felicitas Woll) cares for badly injured British pilot Robert Newman (John Light), whom Anna believes to be a German deserter. As Allied forces close in, Anna grows close to Robert despite her engagement to Dr. Alexander Wenninger (Benjamin Sadler). The gripping historical romance won the 2006 German Television Award for Best Movie Made for Television."

I did enjoy Curb Your Enthusiasm so there must be some twisted logic in this suggestion.

Shut Up and Let Me Go

2008-12-14T22:48:00.002-05:00

Last Thursday, Wife and I were lucky enough to be guests #234 and #235 at the 235-person capacity Ting Tings show put on by WFNX at Church. The show was great. In case you don't know who the Ting Tings are, you'll probably recognize them by their song, Shut Up and Let Me Go. The have a bunch of catchy dance tunes -- Great DJ and That's Not My Name included. Think of them as the White Strips of Britpop. I love my Britpop, so I had a fun time.

I had never been to Church, but I had heard that it's a great venue for a show -- half true. The space itself was kind of cramped, but to my surprise, the in-house audio was not turned to 11. I could have an actual conversation with the person next to me, even while the band was playing. My only real complaint is that Miller Brewing Company took over the taps while no one was looking -- I ordered a Smuttynose Porter and got a Blue Moon instead.

Special thanks to Special Ed at WFNX's Sandbox show. Since we were the lasts one in before they locked out over a hundred people in line behind us, we didn't get to share a beer as planned. I was harsh in my post about Boston morning radio, but I realize it's a tough market and each show has to cater to a specific, yet broad audience. I'll keep listening, Special Ed, don't you worry. We'll have that beer another time.

A Quantum of Solace: AYB Review

2008-12-10T17:56:00.001-05:00

A couple years ago, in anticipation of Casino Royale, I ranked all Bond films relative to one another. This year I wasn't able to catch A Quantum of Solace right when it premiered, but I have finally seen it and here's the breakdown:

A Quantum of Solace (2008)
The first ever direct sequel in Bond film history -- you can get by with not having seen Casino Royale since it came out, but you'll enjoy AQoS a little bit more if you do.

Plot: James Bond balances his desire for revenge and his his desire to be MI6 Employee of the Month as he investigates the organization behind the events of Casino Royale.

Villain: Mathieu Amalric plays Domenic Greene, one of the most nondescript villains Bond has ever come up against -- his eyes don't even bleed!

Henchman: Like in Casino Royale, a few thugs here and there, but none have superhuman strength or metal teeth, and thus are no match for James Bond and his wits.

Girl: A relatively low Bond Girl count with just two: a rogue Bolovian agent played by tanned Ukranian Olga Kurylenko and the deliciously named Strawberry Fields played by Gemma Arterton. Miss Aterton should have played a henchwoman -- she was born with six fingers on each hand.

Gadgets: Bond gets his Bourne on with not even a holiday card from Q Branch.

Locations: Two visits to Italy, a ride through the slums of Haiti, an opera in Austria and the Bolivian desert.

One-liner:
James Bond: [at a dirty, small motel] What are we doing?
Strawberry Fields: We're teachers on sabbatical. This fits our cover.
James Bond: No it doesn't. I'd rather stay at a morgue. Come on.
[they go to a nicer hotel]
James Bond: [to the hotel receptionist] Hello. We're teachers on sabbatical and we've just won the lottery.

Good: The opening credits sequence, taking place within an astral globe is cool (not to mention the pre-credits car chase and the post-credits foot chase on the rooftops of Siena, which are even cooler). Feminists will cheer this film because Bond does not bed Olga Kurylenko's character -- he does bed Miss Fields, but she ends up dead for her promiscuity. The floating opera scene is an amazing spectacle that I hope to one day see in real life.

Bad: Most of the movie just feels subdued. The final fight has some cool explosions that are set off, but it boils down to a fistfight between Bond and Greene. Bond staples Moneypenny and Q are still not in the picture -- a lot of critics are claiming the Bond franchise is intentionally losing its identity; reintroducing these characters would go a long way towards putting the Bond "stamp" on this film. The character of Villers (M's assistant in Casino Royale) is nowhere to be seen despite the events of AQoS taking place just hours after Casino Royale ends. The prospect of several movies chronicling Bond's fight against a secret international organization of businessmen is as exciting as it sounds.

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So where does it rank? It's a tough call -- it's a slick production, but the actual story is "meh" enducing. The luster of the "new" Bond has worn off already -- better than Thunderball but not as good as The Spy Who Loved Me. Impress me in 2010, James. Now, on to the Star Trek reviews for next May.

How Did That Happen?

2008-12-09T09:06:00.002-05:00

It's time to get angry about the modern-day domestic sitcom. How is it that the average-yet-quirky nuclear family now has a schlub husband, a hot wife that no schlub in real life could ever get, a son and a daughter who conveniently appear and disappear when the story calls for it, and several extended family members who exist only to insult the schlub husband? Oh, and they all live in a huge house on one income.

In the movie Knocked Up, Paul Rudd's character comments that "marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond; but it doesn't last 22 minutes -- it lasts forever." I'll contend that Everybody Loves Raymond (and its ilk) are an unfunny version of life, and last forever.

This whole trend in three camera mediocrity started with Everybody Loves Raymond, and we have been bombarded by the likes of My Wife and Kids, The King of Queens, Yes Dear, Still Standing, and possibly the biggest offender, According to Jim, ever since.

Why Accoding to Jim? Alan Sepinwall noted that According To Jim, bastion of mediocre, three-camera comedies is entering its eighth season this year. That just ain't right.

Who is watching According to Jim? Is it housewives who wish their life was so much better that they were married to Jim Belushi? Is it schlub and non-schlub husbands who dream of being lazy and married to Courtney Thorne Smith? I just don't get the appeal.

What hurts most is the other side edge of the domestic sitcom sword -- the shows that don't make it because of their popularity. For every Raymond, Jim, Yes Dear and King of Queens, there are several Arrested Developments and Freaks and Geeks that get cancelled because of low ratings. Two networks had to be downsized into one because of low ratings. I'm not saying According to Jim singlehandedly slayed UPN and The WB, but it that it provides further weight to a genre that is suffocating interesting and creative comedies is certainly not helpful.

Ratings are sagging for Jim, so I can only hope for swift and brutal cancellation next summer -- however there may be time to introduce a spin off.

Christmas = Ruined

2008-12-07T16:48:00.003-05:00

Ironically, a few weeks ago, I was going to write in this space how great the Microsoft Xbox 360 dashboard update was -- easier navigation and management, connection to my Netflix queue and even the ability to play games directly off the hard disk.

Well, no more.

Within two weeks of updating, I'm getting this lovely little notification every time I turn on my machine. Luckily my warranty covers servicing -- I do have to mail the Xbox to Microsoft, wait weeks and then hope it's actually fixed when they mail it back to me.

I've been pretty indifferent about Microsoft over the years. They are a necessary evil so that the world at large can get on the Internet, type term papers and get business done. Those days have ended, for sure: Every update my computer downloads from Microsoft slows it down just enough so it's not noticeable, until one day turning on my computer takes an eternity. Having to design a website for with Internet Explorer 6's display quirks in mind makes my job a real pain. The great idea of streaming video and pictures from my PC to my Xbox (when it's actually working) is only an idea -- in practice it's a mess that hardly ever works.

I am stuck with the Xbox 360 for a long time -- that's fine, because it is a great system, but I wish I could somehow mail Microsoft itself to a service facility for some repair.

Good Morning, Toucher and Rich

2008-12-03T20:08:00.004-05:00

The morning radio landscape in Boston has been pretty barren since Charles Laquidera headed for Hawaii in 1996 and Howard Stern decided you should have to pay to listen to him in 2006. I've been making a commuting drive to one job or another for about two and a half years, and every morning my radio has been like an Old Country Buffet for my ears -- plenty to choose from, mediocre quality, and usually causing diarrhea.

I did enjoy the Swayse Show on WFNX while it was on -- decent music, news and interviews with local and national personalities. This was all good until The Swayse Show was replaced with the Sandbox in 2007 -- an un-entertaining mess hosted by three pop-culture expert wannabes who think interviewing the editor of Blender magazine is good radio and pass off the corporate synergy of interviewing Boston Phoenix writers as something objective.

My dial would often turn to Opie and Anthony on WBCN, who had a somewhat entertaining show, despite its New York slant and the on-air talent's ridiculous use of the word "bleech", like Mad Magazine was all the rage.

This past Tuesday, WBCN pulled the plug on the O&A Virus and installed afternoon guys Toucher and Rich in their place -- what a difference a plug pulling makes. I've written in this space before that the T&R show is some of the best radio around and so far the switch to 6am has not diluted their quality. Rather than listen to Opie and Anthony interview Jim Leyritz for the 5th time, I now get to listen to fat intern Adolfo try to have a conversation with a homeless man nicknamed Chili Guy.

The T&R show has also fired several shots at WAAF's Hill-Man Morning show, so it will be interesting to see how that plays out (my money is on T&R).
Anyway, good luck, Toucher and Rich, with your new time slot -- you actually don't need it in this market.

Goodbye, Show with the Best Opening Theme Song Ever

2008-11-26T11:38:00.004-05:00

And so it ends. Seasons of The Shield often remind me of the Rolling Stones concert film, Gimme Shelter. Both start off slow moving -- almost boring -- then pick up steam, eventually turning into fiery freight trains rumbling towards an inevitable end. Last night's broadcast being the series finale of the show, the audience knew it was most certainly not going to end well.

Did Vic Mackey get his comeuppance for years of jumping well beyond the line rather than toeing it? He got exactly what he wanted -- legal immunity for his sins -- at the price of alienating his last few friends and abandonment by his ex-wife and kids. After the absolute rollercoaster of events leading to Vic's (and everyone else's) fate, I can't decide if I feel sad, relived or angry about how he ended up. Probably a mix of all three.

A lot of the critics are likening the complexity of The Shield to that of The Wire, another cop show that ended its run this year -- it's true, a new viewer would have had a very difficult time understanding almost everything happening over the past 13 weeks, but I think it's more appropriate to point out the The Shield is a spiritual heir to Homicide: Life on the Street (despite Wire creator David Simon having written for and produced Homicide). It's built almost purely on emotion and visceral energy -- I don't recall The Wire's focus on minutiae ever making me want to punch anyone in the face after watching an episode.

In short -- one of the best shows on TV leaves the medium on its own terms, with one of the best and satisfying finales I've ever had the pleasure of viewing.

Get a Life

2008-11-16T22:34:00.002-05:00

High school gossiper: If Heidi hadn't dumped her boyfriend, she was totally going to cut him off from make out sessions.

Pedro Gomez of ESPN: If the Red Sox hadn't traded Manny Ramirez, they were going to suspend him without pay.

Events that could have -- but never did -- happen months ago now make news? Is this what sports journalism has come to? I'm embarrassed.

I Hope I Die Before I Get Old

2008-11-12T08:49:00.002-05:00

Two days ago I was lamenting that I had no time to write -- well here I am, at 8:55 am on a Wednesday, laid up in bed with a pulled back, and with all the time in the world.

Well THAT happened....

2008-11-10T20:51:00.002-05:00

When I started this blog over four years ago, I was a different person: I was a single guy, just moved out of his parents house, working at a job that provided as much motivation as it did compensate (read: very little). Writing for this blog and its audience of five was almost second nature.

Things have changed -- in four years, I've switched jobs three times and got married. Blogging kind of fell by the wayside. I'm not alone -- several of my buddies in the blogosphere have curtailed their writing or out and out just stopped.

Well, it's time for things to turn around. Not only am I challenging myself, but if you have a blogger account that's been sitting idle for a while, I'm challenging you. Hit that keyboard once a month. I bet you'll like it. Then, hit it once a week -- you'll like it even more. Write about whatever you're thinking. Give me your link and I'll put it on the right!

My day consists of sleeping and working and fitting in TV. Unless you watch the same shows I watch and want to write about them, I guarantee you I'll read what you have to write, no matter how 'plain' you think it is. Give me a window into your thoughts and I'll do the same.

Not to get all revolutionary on you, but the Internet is here for our taking -- opinions and thoughts are here for our taking. So take them!

To News or Not to News

2008-08-16T10:16:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if this is news or not, but Curt Schilling announced that he's pretty close to retiring. I think that the biggest news is not that he made the announcement, but that our local sports leader, the Boston Globe -- the Boston Globe that just announced two hirings to bolster its online presence -- failed to pick up on a story that's breaking online.

The best part of all of this? New Globe hire Chad Finn -- of the excellent Touching All the Bases -- will only be blogging "Monday through Friday" for the Globe. Good thing nothing in the world of sports happens on the weekend.

Life Takes Over

2008-08-16T09:25:00.002-05:00

Sorry for not writing more often, as life has taken over yet again -- two weddings, plus planning for my own in four weeks since my last post.

Festivus Comes Early

2008-07-15T21:04:00.003-05:00

Let's get angry!

Item! Why's everyone getting so pissy about the Barry and Michelle Obama New Yorker cover? It mocks almost every right wing stereotype of the couple save Barack's Ivy League, elitist education and lifestyle. If anything, this should energize the Obamaniacs. They should go on campaign warpath with this, not direct anger towards the New Yorker, which has produced its share of controversial covers in the past. Once again, this country's rear end is so tight it could make diamonds from coal. Somebody must have said in the past, "If you're not offending at least one person, you're not doing it right." If nobody's taking credit for that statement, I'll take it.

Item! John McCain can't use a computer. Who should care? The White House Tech Support guy -- he has one less potential problem to worry about. McCain is quoted as using his cell phone often. Would you rather a U.S. President who hides behind email the way you or I hide behind email when you have to contact someone but you don't want an immediate response because that means more work, or do you want a guy who gets on the horn and gets shit done? Vice Presidents are for looking shit up on Google. Presidents are for making decisions. I've worked for many capable company presidents and CEOs who can barely create a word document and they seem to do pretty well for themselves and the company. I'm not a McCain supporter by any means, but the fact that a 72 year old man doesn't check YouTube for the latest Weezer video should not affect your vote.

Item! There's only one October and it's brought to you by Spanish from Old School. Am I reading Rick Gonzalez's thoughts on the pennant race, or am I reading some professional writer's estimation of what a young, hispanic man named October Gonzo would be thinking about the playoffs? If I were October Gonzo, I'd be thinking about why my parents ate mushrooms before deciding on my name. Why do I need my hand held by a corporate lackey, or several corporate lackeys from July to October?

Item! I'm writing this blog from a line outside the Apple Store at the mall. No I'm not -- I'm at home, resting, because I work during the day and take personal and vacation days to actually travel and enjoy life. I invite all iPhone users to send me a text message* to tell me how much I really want an iPhone. *Impossible on an iPhone.

Not all things boil my blood. In fact, I've even been appreciating things:

Item! There is nothing funnier on the radio these days than the Toucher and Rich show on WBCN in the afternoon. It seems like every day they take what look like to be normal slices of life and flip them on their heads. Of course, there's the inane radio T&A, but there are several moments of brilliance -- the years-long relationship ship with homeless man "Chili Guy" who appears to either be a time traveler from 1989 or just decided to forget the last 19 years. He loves his Stevie B. Listeners are also treated by the escapades of weight and smarts challenged intern Adolfo. It's hard to explain in writing, so I urge you to listen any afternoon from 3-7.

Item! Rock Band releases 10 downloadable tracks by The Who! I'm not sure if anyone from the band had a hand in picking the tunes, but almost all are perfect choices -- I would replace Eminence Front with a John Entwistle tune, My Wife, or 5:15 off of Quadrophenia. Three tracks from Live at Leeds make this a must-download-now pack.

Item! I know this is pretty late, but how about them Celtics? Is there a player in the NBA more deserving of a championship than Paul Pierce? KG and Ray Allen are also players with incredible character -- but The Truth has been through good times, bad times, and near-death times. His number will be hanging from the rafters when he retires and he will truly be considered a Celtic Legend when his time comes.

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That's it for now, bloggerinos.

Dan Shaugnessy, Highlander Fan

2008-07-06T14:44:00.002-05:00

If you know me, you know I'm big on the Highlander series, warts and all. Imagine my excitement when I found out that Globe Sports stalwart, the immortal Dan Shaugnessy is a fan too.

Phantom Beach BBQ

2008-06-18T22:18:00.003-05:00

One rib sandwich causes you to feel nice and warm on the inside. One rib sandwich and one Jamaican jerk pulled pork sandwich causes stomach problems and makes you to blog about it late at night.

Thank you, Phantom.

POWe

2008-06-09T07:34:00.003-05:00

One of the great afterthoughts of the 2007-08 NBA playoffs is that the Celtics have such an exciting future. When Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen start the twilight of their playing careers, we can take comfort in the fact that players like Leon Powe, Rajon Rondo, Glen Davis and Kendrick Perkins will all be entering their prime, having played several years together as a unit.

I hope the committee that hands out the Executive of the Year award looks at the results of all drafts in which a particular GM has participated when making their decision. Let's pencil Danny Ainge in for another award in 2011.

Mama There Goes That Man

2008-05-30T22:28:00.002-05:00

It's going to be a fun next couple weeks. I don't know if I'm more excited for Boston-LA in 2008 or Boston-LA highlights from the last 50 years and the cavalcade of Celtics Legends that will no doubt make appearances at all homegames this series.

We're 8-2 against the Lakers in the Finals since 1959. Let's make sure to rub that futility in their face. Go C's!

Adventures in Stimulus Check Spending, Vol. 1

2008-05-27T17:21:00.004-05:00

"...the gravest assault upon children in this country since polio" - Jack Thompson

"Thanks, George Bush!" - Me

Stimulus money left: $540

Beach Boys Songs Other Than California Girls, Wouldn't It Be Nice and Good Vibrations for Your Summer Soundtrack

2008-05-26T14:28:00.005-05:00

If weekends in the summer involve having a beer and grilling some meat, I don't want to know the alternative. But what about that musical background for your BBQ heaven? You let your girlfriend get away with the awfully tired Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack every single holiday party; how do you counter when the party moves outside six months later?

The Beach Boys ethos oozes the hazy fun of summertime, from their early sixties pop jangle to their early and mid seventies soulful harmonies. Songs about cars, girls and surfing aren't necessarily native to Southern California, but where else can you envision all three subjects existing together in an endless summer? What better soundtrack to your summer get together, regardless of where in North America you are?

Since most casual music listeners' knowledge of the Beach Boys begins and ends with a greatest hits package and maybe Pet Sounds, here are some from deeper within the catalog to add to your playlist when you point your computer speakers towards your back window:

All Summer Long All Summer Long, 1964
Give me better recorded use of the xylophone -- I dare you. Bonus points for being the end-credits song in American Graffiti.

Dance Dance Dance The Beach Boys Today!, 1965
Starts off with sleigh bells, rides maracas and ends up in Phil Specter's patented Wall of Sound.

Do You Wanna to Dance? The Beach Boys Today!, 1965
Dennis Wilson's go at Bobby Freeman's classic. The background vocals especially after the first and third verses will blow you away every time.

Then I Kissed Her Summer Days (and Summer Nights!), 1967
Al Jardine vocals just rip right through this cover of "Then I Kissed Him" by the Crystals (originally produced by Phil Specter).

Let Him Run Wild Summer Days (and Summer Nights!), 1967
A somewhat sad song about the singer knowing his crush's boyfriend cheats on her -- thank goodness it sounds so great.

Feel Flows Surf's Up, 1971
The end-credits track in Almost Famous, Feel Flows sounds nothing like the Beach Boys songs of the sixties. It literally is a flowing feeling, engulfing you its tambourine, organ and Carl Wilson's vocal reverb.

Surf's Up Surf's Up, 1971
Possibly the Beach Boys' most underlooked song, in league with Good Vibrations and Wouldn't It Be Nice, Surf's Up is yet another operatic piece by Brian Wilson and co-writer Van Dyke Parks.

Sail on Sailor Holland, 1973
Blondie Chaplin is a backup singer for the Rolling Stones when they go on tour, but during the early 1970's, he was a full-fledged member of the Beach Boys and in Sail on Sailor he delivers yet another "this is great and I can't believe this is the Beach Boys" song. It sounds like something Steely Dan would have made.

Keepin' the Summer Alive Keepin' the Summer Alive, 1980
Taken within context, this one last, painful gasp by the Beach Boys to be relevant, despite being over a decade removed from Pet Sounds. Out of context, this is a fun, poppy, Joe Walsh-assisted track.

River Song Pacific Ocean Blue, 1977
This is actually a Dennis Wilson solo track, but I think it qualifies as a Beach Boys tune. A powerful, harmony driven track that makes you want to sing along with the chorus as Dennis sings about transforming himself into a powerful, moving body of water -- something great. Pacific Ocean Blue is being re-released on June 17.

These next two slow things down a little:

Forever Sunflower, 1970
Most famously covered by John Stamos, the original stands up great with a slow beat and great backing harmony. Dennis Wilson may be one of the most underrated singer/songwriters of the 70's, if only because he had to live and work in the shadow of his brother Brian.

The Warmth of the Sun Shut Down, Vol. 2, 1964
Something you would dance to with your sweetheart while the crowd at your party starts to thin out.

Back on the Wagon

2008-05-26T13:56:00.003-05:00

There's nothing like a three day weekend and some gorgeous late Spring weather to get the creative/angry juices flowing again.

Hibernation

2008-01-17T08:38:00.000-05:00

Sorry, readers (all 5 of you). I've been on the go since Christmas with a new job and a date with the gym almost every night of the week so I can look good on the wedding day in September.

Doing Life

2007-12-05T13:09:00.001-05:00

The Angry Young Bostonian takes television-watching very seriously. It provides an escape from the mundaneness of the workday; it keeps the mind off the monotony of running on a treadmill; it gives a frame a reference when reading columns and columns of commentary about TV online.

Most shows that debuted in September have now broadcast over 25% of their episodes and it's time to check in with what works, what doesn't work, what still has a season pass on the DVR and what doesn't deserve disk space.

Some of the shows reviewed are returning series, others are in their freshman year. All reviews are written after the viewing of the fifth episode.

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Since The Bionic Woman is in its first season, we'll pass judgment via the categorization route:

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Cop shows really are a dime-a-dozen, so every one of them needs to have some kind of element that keeps viewers coming back. Life doesn't necessarily turn the genre on the ear, but it certainly does tweak it.

What it's about: Charlie Crews (Damien Lewis) is a ex-murder convict, recently released from jail based on new evidence and several million dollars richer thanks to a wrongful conviction lawsuit. Oh yeah, he's also a cop and decides he'd like nothing better to do than rejoin the force and find out who framed him in the first place. He's paired with a younger partner, Dani Reese (Sarah Shahi) who has some personal demons of her own in the form of past drug and alcohol addictions. Charlie is treated almost persona-non-grata by his other co-workers who still see him as a blight upon their reputations as cops and detectives. Living with Charlie is Ted Early (Adam Arkin) a former CEO who was put in jail for insider trading. He manages Charlie's settlement money. Charlie is something of a Zen nut, having spent several years in the pen with nothing to read except for The Path to Zen for nine years.

Thoughts after the pilot: Damien Lewis does a good job as a nutball cop who spouts Zen sayings at crime scenes, but lacks the intensity of someone who is hoping to take down his framers from the inside -- maybe it's the Zen keeping him calm. Adam Arkin is great as Charlie's befuddled sidekick, performing odd jobs for him like buying orange groves and doing research on solar power arrays. The long-term plot of Charlie figuring out who framed him for murder will probably involve all other cast members in some huge season finale twist. A lot of critics compared Life to House, except besides the main characters thinking out-of-the-box, they are completely different in all aspects.

Your typical episode includes: A murder/rape/hate crime is performed and Charlie and Dani are put on the case -- 42 minutes later the murders/rapist/hater is nabbed, usually though the non-conventional, Zen methods of Detective Crewes. Charlie also covertly spends part of the time digging deeper into the conspiracy to keep him locked up.

Long-term subplot: On the wall in Crewes's walk-in closet there is a large flowchart of exactly how Charlie was put in jail and who is involved -- several of the pictures are of current cast members, with new additions being put on the wall every week, depending on the information Charlie uncovers.

What's good:

Damien Lewis and his Zen work, but not much else does.

What's not good:

Except for Arkin and Lewis, the rest of the cast is pretty vanilla.
Not enough Arkin -- Ted's relationship with Charlie takes place completely outside of everything else.
The week-to-week stories are predictable, even when Charlie Crewes's Zen monkey wrench is thrown in.
The conspiracy plot moves at a snail's pace.

Thoughts after five episodes: It's definitely a show that will keep my mind off the pain of running on a treadmill, but I don't see how they can make the conspiracy story last the entire series.

Catch up here.

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Bottom line: When is a procedural not a procedural? When it's Life.

The Game of Life

2007-11-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

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Since Life is in its first season, we'll pass judgment via the categorization route:

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Damien Lewis and his Zen work, but not much else does.

What's not good:

Except for Arkin and Lewis, the rest of the cast is pretty vanilla.
Not enough Arkin -- Ted's relationship with Charlie takes place completely outside of everything else.
The week-to-week stories are predictable, even when Charlie Crewes's Zen monkey wrench is thrown in.
The conspiracy plot moves at a snail's pace.

Chuck Full of Something

2007-11-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

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Since Chuck is in its first season, we'll pass judgment via the categorization route:

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What show do you get when fantastic responsibility is thrust upon a schlub who is looking for more to life than their dead-end job in a big box store, but certainly not too much? You get Chuck... and you get Reaper... and you get a little Bionic Woman and even some Journeyman. As you can see, there's a strong common theme between several of the shows that have premiered this season (I discount Pushing Daisies, which I will review later on down the line, since the main character pretty much had his special ability/responsibility for his entire life).

What it's about: Chuck Bartowski is one of the aforementioned schlubs, working as a knock-off Geek Squad (Nerd Herd) member at a knock-off Best Buy (Buy More), who happens to mistakenly receive an email from an old college roommate -- an email that contains the downloaded contents of a government supercomputer that in turn contained all the secrets of the NSA and CIA combined. Since Chuck's old roommate blew up the computer (and got himself killed), Chuck is the only source of information for the CIA and NSA, both of which have sent agents to watch over him and carry out missions using the information in his head. Sexual tension heats up between Chuck and his CIA handler, Sarah Walker, as they play boyfriend and girlfriend as a cover.

Thoughts after the pilot: This show has pretty much everything a video game-playing nerd could want - snappy dialogue with references to Zork, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and more, stuff blowing up, and Yvonne Strahovski walks around in her underwear part of the time.

Your typical episode includes: Chuck sees someone or something that causes his brain to access the downloaded contents, giving him immediate knowledge of a security threat or situation. As Sarah and Casey, the NSA agent, work together on a mission, Chuck acts as a third wheel, usually getting all three in deep trouble before saving the day unexpectedly. On the domestic front, Chuck spends a lot of the time hiding his new found responsibility from his sister Ellie and best friend Morgan, who works at the Buy More with him. Chuck also spends part of each episode coming to grips that Sarah is only his pretend girlfriend, not his real girlfriend, which is hard because she's pretty good looking and acrobatic.

Long-term subplot: Unfortunately the show has eschewed any long term spy-related subplot for a focus on Chuck and Sarah's relationship. This isn't surprising, since the show's creator is the same person behind The O.C., but it's also disappointing. Chuck should be about explosions, half-assed attempts at karate and more Star Wars references -- not feelings!

What's good: The above-mentioned nerd-culture references; Yvonne Strahovski is that 'cute' kind of hot; Adam Baldwin is totally perfect as the over-the-top, gun happy CIA agent who feels Chuck is better off in a cell just feeding him information, rather than in the field.

What's not good:

The spy-related plots are pretty boring and not that interesting for someone who watches 24; in fact, the scenes at the Buy More are more interesting than the scenes of when Chuck is in the field
The show takes itself too seriously for the spy-related stuff and has a disproportionate amount of fun with everything else -- if premise is already ridiculous, so why not make everything quirky?
Zach Levi, who plays Chuck, is a handsome guy, so it's hard to believe he would be socially awkward and have trouble getting a date.

Thoughts after five episodes:

The "good" category above is about half the size of the "bad" category.
The writers need to either make the stakes a little higher for everyone involved or put the show on the Get Smart route to spy comedy.

Catch up here.

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Bottom line: If every episode follows the same plot, it's going to get real boring real fast.

The Amazing Journey

2007-11-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

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Since Journeyman is in its first season, we'll pass judgment via the categorization route:

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What it's about: Think Quantum Leap, but a little more touchy-feely. Dan Vassar is a metro columnist for a San Francisco newspaper. He has a hot wife, a medium-temperature young son and a cold relationship with his brother. Oh yeah -- and he travels through time but can't control when he travels, nor to what time he travels.

Thoughts after the pilot: Good, but not great; needs to more than just "a wrong needs to be righted" of the week. Needs to avoid all the pratfalls of a typical "main character is hiding a large secret from everyone else" show.

Your typical episode includes: Dan finds himself "tracking" certain individuals at different points in their lives, often influencing decisions in order to right some kind of wrong. He'll pop into a situation for an hour or two and then pop back to the present when his task his done. He usually does his traveling at the most inopportune times (about the get it on with his wife, spending time with his 5-year-old at a street performance, etc). Just as Quantum Leap had Al to help out Dr. Beckett, Dan has his presumed-dead ex-girlfriend helping him out. It turns out she didn't die in a plane crash, but had been time traveling herself. It appears as if she's only tracking one person: Dan.

Long-term subplot: As of the fifth episode, nothing solid yet, but Dan has had modern-day contact with a scientist that specializes in tachyons. From their interactions, you can tell that the scientist is hiding something. The scientist also happened to call Dan on his cell phone -- while he was tracking somebody in 1998.

What's good:

The show's writers have done a good job with the relationship between Dan and his wife. He could have spent all season coming up with lame excuses as to why he disappears so much -- instead he breaks the news to her in the pilot episode and it's interesting to see how they both come to grips with something that's bigger than themselves.
Dan even broke the news to his wife that he's encountered his not-so-deceased girlfriend in the past, and she's actually OK with it.
Related to above, the show is moving at a good episode-by-episode pace. He isn't sitting idly as this new ability manifests itself. He told his wife; his son saw him disappear; he's contacted a scientist about it. I'm really excited to see where it goes.

What's not good:

Kevin McKidd (Dan) is the only Brit on the show and does not have the best American accent.
Dan still hasn't told his brother, a cop, about what's happening to him. His brother assumes his gambling addiction has kicked up. Why doesn't Dan just tell/show him what's really going on?
Somewhat complicated back story to the main characters -- while Dan was dating his not-so-deceased girlfriend in the late 90's, his brother was dating the woman who would eventually become his wife. No explanation as to why they played musical beds, yet.
Dan's interactions with his not-so-deceased girlfriend at different points in the past is awkward. It's like they're playing catch-up and don't know how to feel about each other. Call me old fashioned, but he should be devoted to his wife -- but at the same time, I'm not sure how anyone would react to regularly seeing someone you loved and thought dead.

Thoughts after five episodes: Things have definitely been taken up a notch since the pilot. The traveling situations are pretty fun and the show's strengths greatly outweigh its weaknesses. Like I said above, I really want to see how the scientist fits into all this.

You can watch episodes here.

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Bottom line: One of the best new shows on TV.

Housecall

2007-11-05T09:14:00.001-05:00

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I'm still a week behind in viewing episodes of House MD, but I just want to write it down that it is probably the best season for the fourth-year drama, and it just may be the best show on television right now.

House has often tried to be two shows in one, and usually has not done a good job about it until this year. In season one, Chi McBride spent five episodes as the hospital's new chairman, bent on forcing House to lose his eccentricities and go about his job as a good doobie. Season three had David Morse as a slighted cop, for six episodes, attempting to throw House in jail for illegal (and rightfully so) drug possession. Both of these guest-actor stints failed as plot lines because they were too predictable -- they would give Dr. House some trouble, but since House is the name of the show, you know that in the end, Dr. House will come out on top. It also didn't help that the trade papers would announce exactly how many episodes would feature these new actors.

Cut to season four and we finally have a long-running B-story that meshes perfectly into the A-story of each episode: House's new staff. At the end of season three, two members of House's three-person team quit, while he fired the third member. Season four opens with House's team consisting of 50 applicants, all vying for three spots.

As the applicant pool shrinks and the team gets closer and closer to its required size, we see some great interactions between applicants and House and between House and his bosses and colleagues over his unorthodox hiring methods. House's palpable disgust with the newbies (he calls the group's Mormon "Big Love") further spices up the mix -- and by mix, I mean "Big Love" stands up to House by socking him. That's good TV when a Mormon punches a disabled person in the face.

A great aspect of all this is that the applicants are so intent on working for House that they will put up with his disparaging remarks (rather than call applicants by their names, he uses nicknames like "Cutthroat Bitch" and "The Prettier Twin") and commands that cross far over the line that his usual breaking and entering M.O. would -- episode four had his team illegally digging up a grave.

I think eventually House's old team will return to him, but it will be interesting to see if any of the new applicants make it on to the team as well. The dynamic of the show had been getting a little stale and this new season-arcing subplot has really breathed some new life into things.

You can catch up with the show here.

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Bottom line: The best procedural show on TV right now.

RIP Robert

2007-10-31T13:06:00.001-05:00

[Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino]
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?

Not that I want this space to become a clearing house for death notices, but we did lose a big one today due to complications from pulmonary fibrosis: Robert "Messes with your stuff while you're tired" Goulet. Joking aside, he was simply a great performer with a great voice and a sense of humor:

He was pretty much golden in anything he did from award winning roles on Broadway to the bad guy in Naked Gun 2 1/2 and even a cameo appearance in a Weird Al Music video. His final request before having a breathing tube inserted? "Just watch my vocal cords"

I Guess I Shouldn't Really Complain

2007-10-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else finding the 2007 Patriots season just a little lacking? It's fun watching Tom Brady throw to Randy Moss and destroy the hopes of dozens of players and thousands of fans in the span of 60 minutes, but where's the excitement?

Maybe it's due to the joke that is the rest of the AFC east -- six games against opponents that have a combined record of 2-13 as of today. I'm not saying that the Patriots are big bullies beating up on weak teams, but this is akin to the Red Sox destroying the Angels in three near-forgettable games

The 12 other games on the schedule don't get my engine revving either -- of the games they've already played, San Diego was expected to be the most competitive, except it wasn't. Cincinatti had gone 4-12 in the 12 months prior to their Monday Night Football contest with the Patriots. I'm not sure anyone outside of Cleveland can get excited for a Browns game. Except for Richard Seymour, the team's most vital players are healthy. Videotape-gate is now a non-topic.

Now we look forward to the 5-0 (almost 4-1) Cowboys. I'm preparing myself now for the onslaught of "Only one team will come out of this game 6-0!" chatter online and in the news, but will it really be a contest? Randy Moss is just sick against Dallas -- 29 catches, 675 yards and 10 touchdowns in six games. Tom Brady is having a career year. It's like the alien ships from Independence Day repelling Air Force jets and nuclear bombs. The Patriots cannot be stopped.

The biggest game of the season is yet again against the Colts in week 9. It could easily be a 7-0 team versus an 8-0 team -- that could be exciting since the Colts are no pretenders. Washington in week 8 could be interesting, but I don't know anything about them. Their defense is pretty good. Pittsburgh in week 14 might be my own personal most-anticipated game, mostly because I hate Steelers' fans attitudes. They had no right to be in the Superbowl two years ago, and every time the Patriots play the Steelers, they lose, despite the fans' big talk.

The last game of the season is against the Giants, who are currently giving up more points than they are making, which is never a good thing.

It's obviously never good to be complacent, but I can't help it when things are this good.

Long Live Tony

2007-09-19T15:16:00.000-05:00

Work kind of took over the last couple days, so the Emmy recap may have to wait a little long. I did want to post today, however, in response to perhaps the greatest television news of the year, possible the decade: Tony Almeida is back!

I don't care how they explain it in the context of the show, since explaining the non-death of a major character is the least of 24's worries next year, I'm just happy that the greatest supporting character of all time is BACK. There's no doubt that Tony was probably the most or second most (after Jack) popular character on the show, and for him to go "out" the way he did was just awful -- and that scene probably gave license to the shows writers and producers to take everything over the top from there on. Let's hope this is a sign of the show grounding itself a little.

Belated Emmy Recap Preview

2007-09-17T10:34:00.000-05:00

Red Sox and Patriots games prevented me from watching the Emmys live this year, but I want to do some kind of recap. I was able to watch a DVR'ed hour's worth of the show before I fell asleep -- which bodes well for the rest of the broadcast -- so I will try to have something tomorrow.

Initial thoughts on the first hour:

Emmys in the Round! -- I'm waiting for Suze Orman to show up.
I hope the opening song was the first and last Family Guy-related schtick of the night. Barely funny. How awkward is it for an audience to be staring at a bare stage while computer-generated cartoon characters cavort in everyone else's living rooms?
Ryan Seacrest isn't bad as a host (since his entire resume is filled with hosting duties), but he's definitely overmatched following in the footsteps of Conan O'Brien and Johnny Carson. Even Ellen DeGeneres's five minutes of improv/presenting went better than Seacrest's opening monologue.
I might be fast-forwarding through the musical Sopranos tribute.
Robert Duvall is class -- more on this tomorrow.

Like the last bullet says -- more tomorrow!

It's Not Porn, It's HBO

2007-09-10T14:35:00.001-05:00

[Insert tired apology for not writing *here*, followed by old reasons for not writing *here*] So this is what we get to replace The Sopranos -- or is this replacing John from Cincinnati (which replaced the Sopranos)? Or is Big Love the heir to the Sopranos? I actually think Tell Me You Love Me takes up the torch from Six Feet Under, especially in the "trying to make you feel worse about yourself by the end of the 60 minutes than you were at the beginning" category.

So every couple is screwed up, no matter how much they think they're in love, nor how much they actually deny being screwed up. "Tell Me You Love Me" is less of a command and more of a plea.

We have the engaged couple that busting at the seams to break up, yet use sex as an excuse to ignore their problems (at least for 20 minutes). There's the couple that have allowed procreation to take all the passion and fun out of sex, turning their relationship into something loveless. And finally we have the nuclear family couple that hasn't has sex in a year, yet they still love one another.

It's hard to see where TMYLM is going from its pilot, but I don't like the looks of it: couple #1 argues and then has sex; couple #2 argues, then has sex; couple #3 argues, then doesn't have sex. There aren't many variations on arguing and having sex to last 10 episodes. The nucleus of the show is the interaction between couples and psychiatrist, but who wants problems to be solved? Lack of conflict results in pretty boring television.

A little more detailed breakdown:

Couple #1 - Hugo and Jamie
Stereotyped gen Y-ers, as I like to call them. Hugo let it slip that he would probably end up cheating on Jamie after they got married. He was telling his buddies this, but Jamie overheard him; now she feels betrayed and wants out. He spends the rest of the episode trying to get her back; he at least succeeds in getting her back in the sack before she comes to her senses. Both of these schmucks deserve the anguish they're feeling right now -- Hugo, for not taking monogamy seriously, and Jamie, for not catching on the Hugo while they were dating. As someone who is counting down the months to my own wedding, these two disgust me. For all their convictions about truth, integrity, loyalty and honesty, they've failed to be those same things with one another.

Couple #2 - Palek and Carolyn
Well-to-do overachievers with nice clothes, a very modern house and lifestyle, and an inexplicable desire to have children. They look like they shop and Banana Republic for clothes and whatever furniture store sells IKEA-like products, but with actual quality. If they lived in New York City, they're have a place on Central Park West and never even dream of having children ruin their fantastic lives; but in TMYLM, they want children so bad, it's sucked all the joy out of their relationship. Body temperature and ovulation have taken over base impulses when it comes to getting physical. Palek has reached his limit and has decided he's not a sperm machine. Carolyn is secretly going to fertility clinics and checking into donor sperm. I'm not sure what to think about them yet, but I wish they would stop whining.

Couple #3 - David and Katie
The "elders". They have what seems like a perfect existence -- a nice house, two healthy children, good jobs and each other's love -- but it's definitely not enough. They haven't had sex with each other for a year. So far there's no explanation to it. Dave likes to jerk off while his wife isn't around, something that she resents and makes her feel worthless. Theirs is the most interesting story because they obviously still care for one another -- and you would think that's the bedrock of any relationship, but TMYLM seems to think otherwise.

The Psychiatrist
She's currently seeing one and a half couples, but I suspect all six people will be regular attendants of her couch sooner or later. She's married and seems happy, but I'm sure there are cracks beneath the surface.

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The sex on the show is graphic, but most certainly not arousing, especially when learning why they're having sex after the various arguments, bickering matches and emotional breakdowns.

Tim DeKay, Ally Walker and Sonya Walger are all great in their parts, which is good since they make up one and a half couples -- unfortunately neither DeKay, Walker or Walger are part of couple #1, which makes me dislike those two even more.

So is this show worthy of the Sunday 9pm timeslot? Sure, if you like your drama layered upon layer with broken hearts and emotions. The only problem I see is that each week will pretty much be a repeat of the same ideas from the week prior.

Interesting map

2007-08-03T10:31:00.000-05:00

Saw this linked off of Deadspin (the map site itself is pretty cool even if you have a passing interest in geography).

I do have some qualms with it -- wouldn't more of western New England be Yankee territory? And shouldn't the Braves have a wider grip (and even some unconnected parts) because of the omnipresence of TBS on the country's different cable television systems? What about any Nationals presence in the Montreal area?

Feelin' Fine

2007-08-01T09:37:00.000-05:00

It's a great time to be a Boston sports fan. How can you not be excited? Obviously there are no guarantees in life, but to say that the trio of Paul Pierce-Ray Allen-Kevin Garnett will have a positive impact on the Celtics' playoff chances is an understatement. The best thing of all is that beyond the sheer amount of talent that new aquisitions Allen and Garnett bring, there's an incredible amount of class coming with them.

Can you even recall Ray Allen being in the news for something negative? The only thing I can remember from Garnett is some un-choice words during the 2004 playoffs, for which he apologized almost immediately.

The only regret I have is that most of the players who will help the Celtics hang banner #17 will not be our players -- guys who have been with the team all or most of their careers. There's something extra special when a team wins a championship with homegrown talent. Right now, only half of last year's roster remains on the Celtics. I suppose it doesn't really matter since the roster has turned over twice since Danny Ainge took over, with Paul Pierce being the only holdover since 2003. Not including this year's draft, only four players (Kedrick Perkins, Tony Allen, Leon Powe and Rajon Rondo) remain from all of Ainge's previous drafts -- and Ainge still has to add several bodies just to have the minimum 12 players.

On the other side of town, a less impactful addition, but still a welcome one. Eric Gagne might be the best setup man in the league, especially since he's a closer masquerading as a setup man -- he'll spell Hideki Okajima who's approaching a number of innings he's never pitched before in Japan, as well as get a few save opportunities if Jonathan Papelbon ends up pitching too many games in a row. That's two birds with one stone -- make that three if the Red Sox win the World Series.

RIP Who's Next?

2007-07-30T13:55:00.001-05:00

Two luminaries across the arts are gone today. I'm worry about who the famous third will be.

RIP Ingmar Bergman

2007-07-30T13:54:00.001-05:00

I haven't had much viewing experience of Berman films -- The Seventh Seal and Fannie & Alexander (both film class-related and probably the only reason I would have seen them in the first place). Sweden still has IKEA going for it.

At least Woody Allen::Ingmar Bergman > Jimmy Kimmel::Tom Snyder.

RIP Tom Snyder

2007-07-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

Our generation gets Jimmy Kimmel. Great.

Go Go Garnett

2007-07-30T08:34:00.001-05:00

So it looks like Kevin Garnett might call Boston home in the next few days. I think the gut reaction around here is "No! Save Al Jefferson!", but I think there's a lot more to this deal, especially if KG signs an extension.

I guess the big comparison is how Al Jefferson would have developed over the next five years vs. how Kevin Garnett will perform over the next five years. Jefferson may be a better athlete than Garnett in 2012, but he could also break his hand next year. Always buy on fact and sell on potential.

There are just too many unknowns with Al Jefferson to make it worth keeping him if the Celtics can have Kevin Garnett in his place: last year was only his second season and he missed 12 games. Garnet has missed 12 games -- in the last five seasons, plus he's had essentially the same game averages of 22/12/4.5 for the last 10 years.

The more I think about it, the more I like it. I'll be sad to see Al go, but if the Celtics can lock up Kevin Garnett for 5-6 more years, I say, why not?

Tim Wakefield: So Over

2007-07-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

This just in: Tim Wakefield is a knuckleballer and there aren't that many knuckleballers playing/that have played with success. Welcome to 1997, everyone.

Wet, Wild Weekend

2007-07-16T12:48:00.000-05:00

Futurewife and I spent the weekend at the Great Escape Lodge this weekend for my cousin's wedding. It was an awesome time and I wish him and his new wife good luck and a fun time in Fiji.

The best thing about the Great Escape Lodge, besides being in the scenic Adirondacks, is the fact that located within the hotel is a water park. Nothing like a bridal party going boogey-boarding on a wave machine before the big day.

The wedding was very nice and the reception was held at the bride's family's lake house. The real fun start at the afterparty in the hotel bad, then the after-after party in the bridal suite, then the walk to an off-property bar for the after-after-after party (which turned into a giant circle when we decided to move that particular nth of a party back to another hotel room). It felt kind of like part one of this:

All in all, a fun weekend to get away.

I'm Full, for Now

2007-07-16T08:21:00.000-05:00

In honor of Joe Milkman, here's my 4th of July menu, before I forget:

- Clam roll, fries, and an IPA on Nantasket beach

On to the home of one Joe Crugnale, New England pizza god:

- Slice of cheese pizza

- Slice of potato and leek pizza

- Slice of tuna and capers pizza

- Slice of sausage pizza

- Slice of pepperoni pizza

- Two strips of calzone

- Grilled lamb cutlet

- Slice of cake

- Slice of ricotta pie

- 3 beers

- 2 Diet Cokes

- Half a slice of cheese before bed

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- Leftover 2 slices for breakfast/lunch the next day

Yum.

Dodging a Bullet

2007-06-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

I was pleased to discover today that I have not seen any of the movies on the Rotten Tomatoes Worst of the Worst Pictures list. Most of the movies on the list are from the last 10 years, so I'm not sure if that means that the last 10 years have been really bad for overall quality, or if it's teh fact that most of RT's review catalog comes from the last 10 years worth of releases.

I do have a few of the titles in my Netflix queue, so I might have to revisit my decision. Deuces Wild might get the heave-ho, but I'd have trouble parting with A Man Apart, given my documented man-crush on Vin Diesel.

I tell you, I don't know anymore if I'm on foot or horseback, or if a bird's alive or dead.

2007-06-11T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why there's all this critical hate for John from Cincinnati, but I'm sticking with it after ONE episode. I don't have the time nor the inclination, but I'd like to review what all the critics said about Deadwood after its first episode.

I'm interested to know exactly what John is doing in Imperial Beach (if that's ever explained during the life of the series) and if/how it's related to Mitch's ability to float 5 inches off the ground at random moments. If anything, we should all watch just for the character interactions and David Milch's magnificent dialog.

Don't Stop

2007-06-11T10:10:00.001-05:00

The first 58 minutes had me nervous, the next 3 minutes gave me palpitations, and the following 5 seconds were the longest five seconds in my life, and all the time since has been contemplatively blissful.

My prediction for the end of the Sopranos was that Tony would end up alone -- not necessarily by the death of everyone in his family or his Family, but more likely the sociopath in him would have completely taken over, creating an irreparable rift between him, his wife, children and other associates. It appears I was wrong -- my theory applies more to the ending for Uncle Junior's part of the story, and I think it's fitting that Tony settled things with him as best he could, before realizing that his own uncle has no idea what "this thing of ours" is anymore.

No, Tony had a much simpler ending than that -- life goes on: always looking over his shoulder (or towards the door of the diner), at risk of indictment, members of his crew willing and able to flip -- or worse, his wife perpetually pissed off at one of his indiscretions, and a passive-aggressive relationship with his son. Isn't that how the show started? Why wouldn't it end that way?

If anything, the only other people to get whacked last night were you and me -- and just like Tony and Bobby talked about in "Soprano Home Movies", we never saw it coming.

...and free WiFi for all

2007-05-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

Sitting here by my gate at McCarran Int'l Airport in Las Vegas, using their *free* wireless... This is probably the last city in the world I would expect something this useful to be free without requiring me to sign up for some kind of slot-players club.

An Extended Engagement

2007-05-15T09:52:00.000-05:00

I got engaged over the weekend. After a nice dinner at home (cheeseburger helper) Futurewife -- my new term of endearment for her -- and I took a stroll up the street to Brigham's for some ice cream, and that's where I popped the question.

All I can say is that our website is going to be awesome.

Dan Shaughnessy to Everyone: Screw Off

2007-05-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

Crusty Globe curmudgeon Dan Shaughnessy has fired his second salvo in regards to the Randy Moss deal, but he's changed his target from the Patriots franchise to the fans. He's pretty much calling us shameless uniform-only-rooting idiots with selective memories when it comes to Moss and his past transgressions.

Dan -- you sit in the press box, get to go to post-game press conferences and ask questions in the locker room, but you really don't have much greater insight into the game. Don't think that we, as fans, aren't educated enough to know what we're getting into and who we're getting behind -- multiple 24-hour sports programming channels, online newspapers and yes, bloggers, make us more and more knowledgeable each day, as you type away on your company-issued laptop, declaring war on the the system of tubes that is the Internet.

You also underestimate our sensibilities when it comes to other polarizing figures in sports:

Pacman Jones - you start off with this year's pariah-du-jour. There is absolutely no way he would be welcome in New England -- reformable or not.

Barry Bonds - why would we welcome someone who calls Boston a racist city? I admit, we have an identity blemished by the busing issue of the 70s, but ask Deval Patrick what he thinks about racism and this city.

T.O. - No way. I'm not sure where the line is between Randy Moss and Terrell Owens, but there definitely is one. As more and more reaction is coming out to the Moss trade, we're hearing comments like "he's just misunderstood -- he wants to win just as bad as the next guy" from people like former teammate Cris Carter. The Patriots (and fans) can handle a bad seed, especially at the price tag Moss has set, but T.O. is simply a vicious, self-centered cancer.

Roger Clemens - Of course he'll be welcomed back. All the girls with the "ohmygodthat'ssocute" pink Red Sox hats and all the yah-doods with their flipped collars and scalped tickets will absolutely flip if/when Clemens comes back to Boston. How many people in a sold-out Fenway Park will even remember that Clemens mailed it (because he was too fat to walk the letter over himself) in for his last four years here? Smart fans will realize that he's no better than a hired gun like Curt Schilling, rather than a prodigal son-returning. Where were you when angry fans tore down a Clemens memorial inside Fenway park during the 1999 ALCS? If the Red Sox can bring him back for the second half this year -- more power to them.

A-rod - All the ire directed toward Alex Rodriguez should be swapped with the love for Clemens. Rodriguez wanted to play here. He even offered to take a pay cut, but the players union wouldn't allow it. Right now he is the best player in the game. Why wouldn't you want him?

Johnny Damon - you write that no one cares that he helped deliver a World Series Championship to Boston. You must have been in the bathroom during the standing ovation during his first at bat as a Yankee in Fenway Park.

There are others you mention, but it looks like you ran out of bile (Laimbeer, Samuelsson and Canseco are merely footnotes in the big picture of things). You finally end your rant with the lame "Randy Moss is a Patriot. You are a Patriots fan. You can't wait for the season opener." Nice of you separate "us".

At one time, Moss might have been the #2 most vilified character in the NFL, after Owens, but he has dropped several spots since his days in Minnesota. Playing on an absolutely terrible Raiders team will do that, plus you have Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and the rest of the Bengals and even Mike Tice and Nick Saban making many more headlines than Moss since he mooned the Green Bay fans (deservedly).

You're damn right I'm a Patriots fan and you're damn right I can't wait for the season opener. The Patriots had several post-season needs, and are working on fulfilling them. Randy Moss fulfills one of those needs. We're not asking him to cure cancer -- we just want to him to play his ass off and not get into any trouble, which I'm sure is pretty close to what Bill Belichick, Scott Pioli, the Krafts and the rest of the Patriots organization want as well.

Happy Anniversary

2007-05-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

Four years ago today

I think this blog just got righteous all of a sudden.

Welcome, Randy

2007-04-30T11:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Randy Moss:

Welcome to New England! Most of the football fans in the area are very excited that you've decided to restructure your contract so you would be able to play for the New England Patriots for the next couple of seasons (and maybe longer).

We understand that you've had some run-ins with the law in the past, but we also know that the Patriots are a billion dollar organization with a history of success that wouldn't trade for a player of your caliber simply because you were available. If it's one thing most of us can agree on (minus Ron Borges), it's this: In Bill We Trust.

You say that you've made some "mistakes" while you were younger -- we love euphemisms too, but let's also be honest: we didn't need you in the first place. The team was 30 minutes away from yet another Superbowl appearance (in which they would have easily dismantled the Bears), without 2007 off-season additions Donte Stallworth, Kelley Washington, Wes Welker and a healthy version of Rodney Harrison. Yes, our defense was our undoing in the AFC Championship game, but I don't see you out there as a defensive back.

Regardless, the Patriots "system" welcomes you with open arms.

The Patriots are essentially in a no-lose situation: either you come in, follow in the path of reformed malcontent Corey Dillon and play like you did in Minnesota or you decide to become the center of the universe and destroy years of built-up locker room chemistry, only to be cut by the Patriots with minimal monetary impact. $3 million unguaranteed plus $2 million in incentives is a steal.

Most people will say "The Patriots turned Corey Dillon around, why not Randy Moss?" Most people need to get their heads out of their asses. We know that you and Corey Dillon are two different animals -- Dillon was a malcontent in Cincinnati because he tried to be the franchise running back, playmaker, everything for seven seasons resulting in a record of 44-78. He lashed out to the media, players and fans who thought that as the team "star", he should be playing better. He never wanted to be the star in the first place. All he wanted was to win -- and he has two rings to show that he did it with the Patriots.

You, on the other hand, have a history of being an anti-team player. You've walked off the field despite the game still going because you thought it was a lost cause. You fake-mooned fans (even though they probably deserved it). You ran over a traffic cop. You squirted a referee with a water bottle. You're no Terrell Owens when it comes to being self centered, but you're damn close.

You'll have the Patriots and the knowledgeable fans on your side. You want to win a Superbowl -- why else would you restructure your contract? It might take a while to charm the media (if ever). The morning shows and the columnists are already calling you a bad fit, a liar, and a poor sportsman. They're also the same crowd that panders to Curt Schilling and hasn't called for the dismissal of Doc Rivers because he's good for a sound bite on any given night.

In closing, you can expect to find a clambake package at your hotel room sometime around Labor Day, and a shiny $35,000 diamond-encrusted ring next Spring.

I think it's time for a FOX special: When Red Sox Fans Attack

2007-04-20T13:50:00.000-05:00

Can someone make an underground DVD of all this, like that one with hockey fights, or the one that's "too extreme for TV" that shows people getting hit by trains?

I want to say that I'm embarrassed as a Red Sox fan, but at the same time, part of me yearns for those days when "Friendly Fenway" was just Fenway Park, they only served Bud/Bud Light, and Wally was just the wet dream of a marketing executive still in B-school.

Does anyone know what caused this fracas? The Herald had the story behind Pizza-gate a few days ago, and NESN even caught part of this action in Toronto (suprisingly no 5-second delay button was pushed when the kid from Boston flipped off the kid from Toronto).

Kindly Turn Your Attention to the Right Column

2007-04-20T13:46:00.000-05:00

Added a link to one of my new favorite blogs, Fire Joe Morgan. The bulk of FJM's content is a constant railing of everything ESPN star baseball analyst Joe Morgan says either on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball broadcasts or through his ESPN chats:

Anthony (LA):: Joe, what does having four full straight days off do to the Cleveland Indians? Do you think that MLB should open the season in roofed or warm weather stadiums?

Joe Morgan: It affects them because they will lose some timing, but they have underground batting facilities and such. It's going to affect them, but they'll have to adjust.

[FJM commentary]: Here's how Hall of Famer and multiple Emmy winner for excellence in broadcasting just treated Anthony from L.A.

Q. What does having four straight days off do to the Indians?
A. It affects them.
Q. Do you think MLB should open the season in warmer climates or domed stadiums?
A. (silence)
Q. Hello?

This one is the best of the week, however:

Rick H. (Selah, Wa.): Do you think King Felix has a shot at the AL Cy Young this season? Or, will it be another year or two?

Joe Morgan: Dwight Gooden is the best young pitcher I've ever seen. He was better than all of them at a young age.

[FJM commentary]: Very very simple question, for an analyst. Will Felix H. contend for the Cy this year, or will it take a little longer. Answer is to a completely different question, namely: "Who is the best young pitcher you ever saw?"

This is amazing. The man should be fired immediately, for this answer. This is a fireable offense, to me, if you are supposed to the #1 analyst on the #1 baseball network in America. Shocking. (Sorry this isn't funny, or even really attempting to be. I am just stunned into earnestness.)

I'm not going to copy and paste the entire transcript because my name isn't Ron Borges, but I definitely suggest that you stop by there every week, just to catch up on the inanity of it all. Out of all the play-by-play and color commentary announcers in all of sports, how is possible that we don't have a solid, national #1 duo or trio?

I don't pay too much attention to basketball broadcasts, but it seems like one of the few sports where the broadcast team is secondary to the action. Baseball and Football have so much downtime between snaps/plays/pitches/hits/etc -- broadcasts require a little more flavor to keep viewers interested between DirecTV commercials.

Pizza Throwdown

2007-04-17T15:24:00.000-05:00

Will Papa Gino's now become "The Official Projectile Pizza of the Boston Red Sox"?

Story of the Day

2007-04-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

This from the Boston Globe Local News Updates blog:

Nachos provoke fistfight at Revere High

My favorite part: an image of nachos (Nachos deluxe, to be exact) -- probably not the nachos that were the cause of the fight, but an image of nachos, just in case readers don't know what nachos are.

I thought schools are supposed to be combating fatty foods in the cafeteria. I hope those are veggie nachos!

Guess Who's Back...

2007-04-13T13:27:00.000-05:00

..back again.

Blogs take a back seat when the life-stuff takes over. Nothing crazy happening the last two months, but nothing worthwhile either. Anyhow, as the temperature starts to rise from brisk average of 40 these days to something warmer over the next several months, so will the frequency of me putting thoughts to keyboard.

Generation Obama?

2007-02-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

Interesting post over at the Braniac/Boston Globe blog about Barack Obama's appeal, especially for the younger generation. This is the first high profile candidate (if you don't count John Edwards) that is younger than my parents.

AYB has decided not to endorse a candidate for the U.S. presidency given that the election is f-ing 18+ months away. Let's all collectively take a breath and worry about more important things, like in what car back seat Deval Patrick is going to sit and how much it's going to cost taxpayers a month.

Christ, I already miss the Mooninite bomb scare.

Our long regional nightmare is over

2007-02-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

Celts win! Lucky me that the one game I give my most time of the season (a whole half plus a couple minutes) is the one that breaks their 18-game losing streak. Paul Pierce, without a doubt, is a difference-maker.

The big question now is how badly do the Celtics have to tank for the rest of the season in order to have the best chance at the #1 draft pick this summer -- but should that be their endgame? Paul Pierce was on WEEI yesterday grumbling that he would rather the team trade the pick for a veteran, rather than take on another project.

If Kevin Durant was the consensus #1 pick, I'd have to agree with PP -- Pierce has proven that he is the all-star of the team and that he can win games by carrying the team on his back. No one else can do that, and none of the young players have shown flashes of even being able to do that. How long could it take Durant to develop into a solid second option for the team? It could be several years. Pierce might not even be around (either due to retirement from injuries or from demanding a trade to a real contender) by the time Durant's potential comes to fruition.

Durant is getting his props, but he's being set up as a franchise player like LeBron. The Celtics already have a franchise player in his prime -- Pierce -- and they already have two possible future franchise guys -- Al Jefferson and Gerald Green.

Trading the pick makes sense: another all-star caliber player, plus further-developed youngsters/roleplayers such as Jefferson, Green, Rajon Rondo, a rehabbed Tony Allen and Wally Szerbiak (or his Raef Lafrentz-like equivalent) will make the C's a perennial deep playoff threat for as long as Pierce plays.

Greg Oden is another story, however. He's being compared to Kareem, Shaq, Russell -- all the cornerstone big men. No one is sure what kind of splash he'll make when he enters the league, but if it's close what Shaq has done, I'm all for picking him. Pierce might not like taking another year or two to develop yet another young player, but Oden fills a position that Green can't at all and Jefferson can't effectively.

It seems like every year since 2002, the Celtics are on the cusp of turning things around. Every year seems to be 1 step forward, and 1-2 steps back. Either way, the Celtics are at yet another crossroads right now. Let's hope they take the right path.

Meh.

2007-02-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

All the hoopla still doesn't make me want to pay to see the movie. Now you've really screwed up, Turner Broadcasting.

Aaron Sorkin: Dick

2007-01-23T09:37:00.000-05:00

"I do believe we've seen an enormous rise of amateurism. The thing I find troubling about the Internet, as great a resource tool as it is, great for communications as it is, and that everybody has a voice -- the thing is, everybody's voice oughtn't be equal."

Read more about how he's awesome and you're not.

OC You Later

2007-01-05T11:55:00.000-05:00

FOX finally turned the writing on the wall into cold, hard fact yesterday, canceling The OC after 3+ seasons. After a creatively uneven/disappointing third season that involved attempted murder in its season premier and actual murder in its finale, the network only ordered 16 episodes for the fourth season. Even Josh Schwarz, the show's executive producer admitted that season three was a poor try and claimed that the fourth season would be more on track.

The show was always able to survive the ridiculous story-lines ranging from the affair between mom Julie and daughter's ex-boyfriend Luke to the Oliver fiasco to the death of Caleb to Julie's alcoholism to Marissa's expulsion due to an attempted murder charge.

What it couldn't survive was a season long plot involving Marissa and her non-affair with Johnny the non-interesting surfer with a non-angry Ryan on the sidelines. The lack of chemistry between Marissa and Ryan didn't help either. Viewers of the OC should be feeling pretty good after watching an episode -- not feeling like they want to stab their own eyes. It also couldn't survive losing almost half its audience between the height of its popularity and today.

I always found the kids' stories overwrought with emotion and tended to get into the adults' story-lines with more enthusiasm. Peter Gallagher and Kelly Rowan played the Cliff and Claire Huxtable roles with a down-to-earthness that never came off as hammy. Who would have guessed that a surf-liking New York Jew living in California and making a living as a public defender would end up being the voice of reason in the OC's crazy universe?

This show was hotter than white shit on the surface of the sun.

Somehow I stuck with it for this first three seasons plus four episodes of this past season. Most TV critics will tell you that the show did improve a bit since last year -- and I agree, but The OC's time has come and now it's gone.

Farewell to the OC, bitch.

What the...?

2007-01-05T09:53:00.000-05:00

I'm mostly immune to banner ads that appear on web pages these days, but sometimes I just have to put on my "BS in Communication Science with a focus on Adverting" hat and try to figure out what the heck this is:

It's obviously for some sort of prescription drug. What Abraham Lincoln and the fact that some people miss him (or maybe me, the reader) has to do with it is lost on me.

A better way to air your grievances

2007-01-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

Blogger doesn't provide an easy way for anyone who writes a comment for a post to know if their comment as received a response. Wordpress has a function that shoots emails to all commenters of a post once a new comment has been added -- it's a decent little feature, but not big enough to make me want to export all my posts and set up shop at Wordpress.

So, while we wait for Blogger to develop more features (and hopefully a new comment-email feature will be one of them), I've added some scripting to the posts here that will now tell you whether or not someone has added a comment since the last time you visited. This involves cookies, so if you would oblige me in accepting cookies from this blog, it's a win win situation.

Don't Call me Shirley (MacLaine)

2007-01-02T11:48:00.000-05:00

Ken Jennings made an interesting tangent in his most recent post about past lives and reincarnations. By his method of determining who you were in a past life, it turns out I was Leonard Strong -- an American born actor that specialized in mostly Asian or American Indian roles. He's problaby most well-known for his role as the interpreter in The King and I, as well as the hitchhiker in the Twilight Zone episode, The Hitchhiker. He only had two lines of dialogue.

I decided to look up that particular Zone episode and found that the story of a woman driving cross-country has some classic Rod Serling prose:

"Her name is Nan Adams. She's twenty-seven years old. Her occupation: buyer at a New York department store, at present on vacation, driving cross-country to Los Angeles, California, from Manhattan....".

We learn that she had a close call on the road:

"Minor incident on Highway 11 in Pennsylvania, perhaps to be filed away under accidents you walk away from. But from this moment on, Nan Adam's companion on a trip to California will be terror; her route--fear; her destination--quite unknown."

At the end of the episode, Nan discovers that she's actually dead and the hitchhiker was some sort of Grim Reaper figure:

"Nan Adams, age twenty-seven. She was driving to California, to Los Angeles. She didn't make it. There was a detour--through the Twilight Zone."

Too bad Rod Serling died so early -- I would have liked to have been his reincarnation.

What the heck happened to...

2006-12-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

... Guy Ritchie?

I watched Out of Sight this weekend and had a discussion with my lady friend about other heist movies from the last 10 years. I felt that Ocean's 11 was a disappointment because of my high expectations for Steven Soderbergh, but I really did enjoy Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels -- definitely under the radar as compared to Snatch and having a much more cohesive story.

This all leads me to the whereabouts of Guy Ritchie. He makes a bad move by directing Swept Away; his next picture, Revolver, isn't even released in the US. Could it really have been that bad? IMDb says the story revolves around Jason Stratham as a pompous professional gambler that wins a card game against the wrong gangster. Soon there are hitmen coming after him and the only thing he can do is team up with rival gangsters who are looking to take down the first, card-playing gangster.

Not necessarily an original plot, but in the hands of Guy Ritchie, it could definitely be enjoyable on the same level as Snatch. Jason Stratham is a pretty decent leading man, also.

Why did the US turn sour on him so quickly? IMDb has no information on his next project.

New Blog Design

2006-12-24T15:38:00.000-05:00

It's pretty nice that things I learn at work I can also use elsewhere in my life. The last couple weeks have pretty much been a crash course in CSS design for some projects on which I've been working. Since Blogger templates are in CSS, I figured I could take what I learned and apply it here. Let me know what you all think.

Bondariffic

2006-12-21T15:49:00.000-05:00

(This post took me about a month and a half to complete... good thing I'm not a Doctor Who fanatic)

Phase II of the modern James Bond era began last month with a reboot of the franchise starring Daniel Craig in what is being billed as "the first James Bond adventure", Casino Royale. While the movie has wowed just about everybody (including me), prior to its release, expectations were up in the air. Could Craig pull it off? Could the producers do justice to an origin story that will look very little like and have a much smaller scope than Die Another Day? Casino Royale had the potential to be one of the worst Bond films or one of the best -- or simply a good action film but not a good Bond film.

What is the great Bond movie? It's more than just gadgets and girls as the commercials would lead you to believe. Things like villains, henchmen, sidekicks, locations, types of action and even the one-liners (not just Bond's) play heavily into the final film product.

Though no Bond film is 100% perfect, a few come close, some try hard and fail, and some just fail. Period.

Here's your categorical breakdown, plus ranking amongst the 20 (and then some) Bond films, in somewhat relative order:

-------------------

For hardcore fans' eyes only

A View to a Kill (1985)
Roger Moore's last flick as Bond is also his worst and probably the worst of all 21 films. The 57 year-old Moore was just too old to project the adventurous, virile Bond saving Silicon Valley (!?) from destruction at the hands of Christopher Walken-- at least that's all I remember. I'm proud to say I've seen every Bond movie, just not all of them twice.

Plot: In this one he stops an evil industrialist from destroying Silicon Valley in order to corner the microchip market.

Villain: Christopher Walken before he was "crazy, fucking Christopher Walken"

Henchman: Grace Jones as a henchman. Not a henchwoman. Henchman.

Girl: Donna's mom from That 70's show is the Bond girl and she plays a geologist. Roger Moore was older than her mother at the time of filming. Yikes.

Gadgets: A ring that's really a camera, a check-book sized copy machine/scanner and a submarine disguised as an iceberg. Some ridiculous shit.

Locations: Opening in Siberia; an English racetrack; San Francisco including a boring climax on the Golden Gate Bridge

One-liner:
James Bond: Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.
Jenny Flex: Yes, I love an early morning ride.
James Bond: Well, I'm an early riser myself.

Good: Duran Duran performs the title song and not much else.

Bad: Roger Moore wearing more makeup than most of the women in the movie. Corny character names like May Day and Jenny Flex. Also, imagine Roger Moore doing it with Grace Jones... now try and wipe your imagination. Good luck.

The Living Daylights (1987)

Timothy Dalton gets pooped on a lot as Bond, but it's really unfair. This movie is 50% of his output and it's not entirely his fault that it's garbage. The mid-80's were not kind to the James Bond franchise.

Plot: This time we're treated to the topical subject of the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan providing cover for the opium trade.

Villain: A couple Soviet generals and an American arms dealer played by the same actor who would play the all-too-obvious CIA agent Jack Wade in the Brosnan Bond films. Snore.

Henchman: A Robert Shaw (From Russia with Love)-look-alike Soviet assassin that really likes his Pretenders music. Funny/scary, but ultimately dumb.

Girl: A chaste cellist played by Maryam D'Abo. She actually got three paychecks -- one for herself and two for her eyebrows.

Gadgets: It will be a while before this category gets populated with cool stuff, so I'll just skip it here.

Locations: The beautiful Afghan countryside/desert wasteland.

One-liner:
Linda: [into phone] It's all so boring here, Margo - there's nothing but playboys and tennis pros. [sighs] If only I could find a real man.
[James Bond, having just dispatched an assassin in a burning truck in mid-air, lands on the boat with a smoldering parachute]
James Bond: I need to use your phone.
[takes it and says into it]
James Bond: She'll call you back.
Linda: You are who?
James Bond: Bond, James Bond.
[into phone]
James Bond: Exercise Control, 007 here. I'll report in an hour.
Linda: [offering drink] Won't you join me?
James Bond: [into phone] Better make that two.

Good: Ah-ha following up Duran Duran with another poppy, good title song; the pre-title exchange you just read between Bond and Linda. You can now fast forward two hours to see the credits.

Bad: Roger Moore-style Bond writing does not suit Timothy Dalton well; Joe Don Baker as a very enthusiastic, trigger-happy arms dealer; a downhill sled chase involving Bond and Bond-girl sliding down a mountain in her cello case; I just read that it took three days to film the cello-sled chase. It actually feels longer to watch the sequence.

Octopussy (1983)
Plot: James Bond infiltrates a circus and somehow ends up taking down a renegade Soviet General (The Bond producers had a warehouse just full renegade Soviet Generals in the 80's, but no warehouse full of decent plots), an exiled Afghan prince and their convoluted plot to nuke a US Air Force base and invade Europe. The word "pussy" is spoken several times.

Villain: Frenchman Louis Jourdan plays an Afghani prince with an Indian name (Kamal Khan) who's bent on destroying NATO. Or something.

Henchman: A couple knife-throwing twins from the circus. Pretty cool, actually.

Girl: Maud Adams as the titular Octopussy. Think of her as a madame whose whores are really circus freak henchmen.

Gadgets: A boat that looks like an alligator. You still got a ways to go before it starts getting cool.

Locations: East Germany, the somewhat crowded streets of India.

One-liner:
Homer Simpson: You know what I like about you British? Octopussy. I must have seen that twice.

Good: The Indian go-cart chase involving Bond's sidekick, Vijay -- a real life professional tennis player -- attacking bad guys with a tennis racket. One of the prince's henchmen has a rotary sawblade attached to chain that he uses to destroy everything in his path. Why can't they have that weapon in GTA?

Bad: It turns out that the evil prince and his renegade Soviet general buddy are financing their dastardly plan with fake Faberge eggs. When will these bad guys learn that 60% of all dastardly plans go wrong because they're uncool? I never in a million years would have thought this, but India just isn't that great a place to set a spy movie. Has anyone tried a musical there? You can also see Roger Moore getting more and more tired as the film wears on; the opening song might be the worst of the series.

Moonraker (1979)
Most of the movie takes place on Earth. None of it takes place on the moon. This movie stinks simply based on its lying title.

Plot: The producers of James Bond jump on the Star Wars bandwagon and send him to space to stop a nefarious businessman from killing everyone on Earth and repopulating it with a master race..

Villain: Michael Lonsdale as Sir Hugo Drax. Though he was only in his 50's, Lonsdale moved like an 80 year-old man. Bond should have snapped his neck in the first 20 minutes.

Henchman: The infamous Jaws makes second appearance in a Bond film. Unfortunately he's more comedic relief than he is menacing.

Girl: Lois Chiles as one of the more ridiculously-named women: Dr. Holly Goodhead. Easy on the eyes, but with about as much allure as a high school English teacher.

Gadgets: James Bond gets around Venice in a gondola that turns into a hydrofoil. It's as cool as it sounds. Even though this one is in space, still no gadgets worth mentioning. I will mention that the laser was the special weapon in the Moonraker Caves level of Goldeneye on Nintendo 64.

Locations: Venice, France, space -- duh.

One-liner:
A decent one from Sir Hugo Drax: Mr. Bond, you persist in defying my efforts to provide an amusing death for you.

Good: I guess James Bond having sex in space is good. Good for him. Sir Hugo Drax alternates between wanting to destroy all human life and wanting to specifically destroy James Bond only.

Bad: The special effects in the movie lean more towards 2001 than Star Wars or Star Trek; Jaws speaks; no Wookies.

Die Another Day (2004)
Some say Die Another Day is an homage to the previous 19 Bond films; some say it is simply a retread of tired action sequences from the last 40 years. I'm part of the former camp, but I still can't defend this movie. It's pretty bad and would be even further back on this list if it weren't for the high production values.

Plot: James Bond has to prevent a North Korean madman from invading South Korea by way of destroying the minefield separating the two countries using a solar-energy-focusing laser.

Villain: Two actors playing the same villain?!? Caaa-raaazy! Toby Stevens gets more screen time as Gustav Graves -- the new identity of Colonel Moon of North Korea after he was presumed dead as the result of a hovercraft accident. He's a pretty decent baddie with a snide look on his face for the entire movie.

Henchman: The abominable snowman... er... Rick Yune as a giant albino with crystals coming out of his head.

Girl: Did you hear? Oscar winner Halle Berry was in this one. She attacks the role the same way she attacked her rolls in such films as Gothika, B*A*P*S, and The Flinstones.

Gadgets: Nothing good.

Locations: Cuba, the Korean peninsula, the Arctic

One-liner:
Miranda Frost: I can read your every move.
Jinx: [Jinx stabs Miranda with a knife embedded in a copy of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"]
Jinx: Read *this*, bitch.

Good: Umm... Rosamund Pike as Miranda Frost is kind of good looking. Visual references to all 19 previous Bond films.

Bad: We already saw the bad guy's plans to destroy things with the sun's energy in The Man with the Golden Gun; Madonna provides a shallow, techno-y title song and also appears in the movie; Halle Berry being way too obvious about wanting a spin-off movie for her character.

Diamonds are Forever (1971)
Another case of "this movie would be farther back on the list except...". The "except" this time is Mr. Sean Connery himself, who returned to the roll after quitting following You Only Live Twice.

Plot: Bond's official 60's nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, has been stockpiling diamonds -- not to get rich, but to build a space-laser that can destroy targets anywhere on Earth (where have we seen this idea before?). This would have been my second choice for plot. The first one involves a very large cocaine cutting machine. Oh yeah -- Jimmy Dean is more than just that dude who sells sausages.

Villain: Charles Grey as yet another incarnation of Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Henchman: Two partners (Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd) working for Blofeld, and when I say "partners", I mean it in the Massachusetts sense of the word. How progressive! One looks like a walrus, the other looks like Crispin Glover, which makes sense since it's his dad.

Girl: Jill St. John as the world's most stupid diamond smuggler.

Gadgets: A suit with pockets that snap on the fingers of anyone searching you -- why not just throw mousetraps in your pockets and getting cats named Tom to frisk you?

Locations: Almost exclusively in the southwestern US, mostly Vegas and the desert.

One-liner:
Mr. Kidd: Well, they're both aboard, and I must say Miss Case seems quite attractive...
[Mr. Wint glares at him]
Mr. Kidd: ...For a lady.
[pause]
Mr. Kidd: Heh heh heh heh!

Good: Good to see Sean Connery as Bond one last time; a Bond girl with the name "Plenty O'Toole'"; female henchmen called Bambi and Thumper that beat on Bond for a few minutes. Shirley Bassey's second Bond title song.

Bad: The movie starts off as a revenge flick with Bond killing everyone in his way as he hunts down Blofeld for the murder of his wife. It ends with a fight on an oil rig; the producers paid Sean Connery $2 million to return as Bond, but forgot to budget any money to the makeup department. Connery's face looks like an old leather glove; Jimmy Dean can't play a mega-rich recluse -- he looks like he belongs behind the counter of a hardware store; overall the movie is too 'American'. Bond and Blofeld stand out way too much as the only Europeans to be featured in it.

Bits and pieces of Bond goodness, but not "must-see"

The World is Not Enough (1999)
Plot: A former KGB assassin attempts to shut down most of the world's oil pipelines so Stockholm Syndrome sufferer and oil-heiress Elektra King (Sophie Marceau) can monopolize. This plot would be more topical today, especially since the price of oil determines whether or not I can take a bathroom break. It still stood up well in those days of the late 90's when Americans took gas for $0.99/gallon for granted. James Bond is dispatched by MI6 to investigate and to set gasoline prices so they'll never go below $2/gallon again.

Villain: Academy Award nominee Robert Carlyle does his best Thom Yorke impression playing Renard -- a bad man with a bullet in his head that is slowly killing him, but also allowing him to not feel pain.

Henchman: No one special. This is one of the few Bond films in which the true villain has a special power and the henchmen are just stupid thugs.

Girl: Where to begin... lets just say that Pierce Brosnan's Bond did not have much luck finding the worthwhile Bond girls. Denise Richards plays a nuclear scientist, if you can believe it. One year prior she was playing a high school girl who liked to take her shirt off. Awesome casting job!

Gadgets: A ski jacket that can inflate to protect its wearer from an avalanche. How convenient that James Bond finds himself in an avalanche this time out.

Locations: Scotland, Azerbaijan, Istanbul

One-liner:
[last lines]
James Bond: [in bed with Jones] I was wrong about you.
Dr. Christmas Jones: Yeah, how so?
James Bond: I thought Christmas only comes once a year.
Audience watching in the theater: Loud groaning

Good: Garbage does a good job with the opening song; the pre-title boat chase sequence on the Thames river; Robbie Coltrane in his second turn as Russian mobster Valentin; Judi Dench earns her "dame"-ness with more screentime. John Cleese debuts as R, Q's subordinate.

Bad: Mostly lame action sequences; a plot twist you can see from a mile away; Denise Richards is so bad, I have to mention it twice; boring locations.

You Only Live Twice (1967)
I'm not sure if Sean Connery stated prior to filming that YOLT was going to be his last Bond picture, but the producers really took this one to 11.

Plot: James Bond is sent to Japan to investigate the disappearance of American and Russian astronauts. Could Japan be behind it? When will Bond learn that it's never a country or government doing evil, it's always some renegade? James Bond dies, James Bond meets his nemesis, James Bond gets married, James Bond goes Japanese!

Villain: Again with the Blofeld...! This is the first time audiences see his face -- and look, it's Dr. Loomis from Halloween!

Henchman: Blofeld does have a bodyguard, but for the most part, it's nameless thugs that go after James Bond and end up dead.

Girl: Let's turn Japanese!

Gadgets: A nice little collapseable helicopter

Locations: You would think that the only place on earth to film a spy movie is Japan.

One-liner:
[about to make love to Helga Brandt]
James Bond: Oh the things I do for England.

Good: The epitome of 1960's Bond movies -- foreign land, enormous sets, rocket ships, giant raid at the end. Incredible orchestral soundtrack that plays off of Nancy Sinatra's opening credits song -- even sampled by Robbie Williams on his Millenium record; Bond's Japanese sidekick; Japan was less than 15 years removed from the destruction caused by World War II and it's just cool to see it on the path to its oddball cultural identity of today.

Bad: Heavily influenced the Austin Powers films, which would be fine except for the fact that Goldmember was made; James Bond unconvincingly goes undercover as a Japanese man.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
This might be the most forgettable of all post-Dalton Bonds, but it's still pretty good.

Plot: An evil media mogul tries to start a war between the UK and China so he can launch his new news service company with a bang. Bond and a Chinese secret agent get to the bottom of things.

Villain: I don't know what Rupert Murdoch looks like, but I'm guessing it's a lot like Jonathan Pryce as the ruthless Elliot Carver

Henchman: Gotz Otto as another callback to Robert Shaw's Red Grant character (From Russia with Love), but not as effective.

Girl: By now, the Bond series had this down to a science: One girl in the beginning for kicks, one "good" girl and one "bad" girl. TND has Cecilie Thomsen as Bond's language professor (she calls Bond "a cunning linguist"), Teri Hatcher as Carver's wife (and Bond's ex-girlfriend) and Michelle Yeoh as his Chinese secret agent-counterpart.

Gadgets: A remote controlled BMW is always fun.

Locations: Bangkok-as-Hanoi

One-liner:
Elliot Carver: Mr. Wallace, call the President. Tell him if he doesn't sign the bill lowering the cable rates, we will release the video of him with the cheerleader in the Chicago motel room.
Mr. Wallace: Inspired, sir.
Elliot Carver: And after he signs the bill, release the tape anyway.
Mr. Wallace: Consider him slimed.

Good: Johnathan Pryce as one of the more talented Bond villains; Michelle Yeoh as probably the most talentend Bond girl -- and she's more of a Bond Woman. Though not the first woman in a Bond movie to be Bond's equal for another country, she is definitely the strongest out of that small group; the motorcycle chase with Bond handcuffed to Michelle Yeoh's character; appearances by Ricky Jay and Vincent Schiavelli; my most favorite teaser trailer comes from the TND ad campaign: Pierce Brosnan walks onscreen, looks at the camera and says "Bond. (beat) You know the rest." and then we see 15 second of crap exploding.

Bad: Special effects don't really stand up so well. Teri Hatcher's character has a backstory with Bond -- why? Story is ultimately not very exciting.

Dr. No (1962)
The very first James Bond feature film and it's solid.

Plot: Bond is dispatched to Jamaica to investigate the death of undercover British agents -- turns out the agents were on the trail of a certain Dr. No, who has plans to sabotage America's space program.

Villain: Joseph Wiseman as Dr. No. (see film title for more information). I wonder what kind of medicine he studied.

Henchman: No one who fits the definition of "henchman" -- mostly various people trying to get in Bond's way has he hunts down Dr. No.

Girl: Honey Ryder, introduced to the audience with probably the most famous camera shot in the history of James Bond movies.

Gadgets: None -- The Q character makes an appearance, but only to deliver Bond his new gun.

Locations: The film takes place almost exclusively in Jamaica

One-liner:
[Professor Dent tries to kill Bond, but his gun is out of bullets]
James Bond: That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six.
[shoots Dent twice]

Good: One of the best spy films from the height of the cold war; Sean Connery is electric as Bond; pre-Hawaii 5-0 Jack Lord as Felix Leiter; he Caribbean in the early '60's is a perfect setting.

Bad: Nothing distinctly "Bond" about the movie. Replace the character names and you have a basic spy movie; Ursula Andress was not cast for her acting skill.

License to Kill (1989)
Definitely the most dark and violent Bond until Casino Royale.

Plot: Taking a cue from all the other popular war-on-South American drug lords-movies, the producers of License to Kill send James Bond to fictional South American country to take down Franz Sanchez in direct defiance of MI6.

Villain: Robert(o) Davi as Franz Sanchez. Though you know most Bond villains aren't hesitant to kill or steal their way to the top, Franz Sanchez will scare the crap out of you, the audience member, while he's doing it.

Henchman: A young Benicio Del Toro looking like he got into some of the on-set cocaine.

Girl: Take your pick -- Talisa Soto as the two-timing mistress of Sanchez or Carrie Lowell as CIA agent Pam Bouvier. I'd go with Carrie Lowell because of her tight jeans.

Gadgets: Exploding toothpaste, a camera that turns into a sniper rifle.

Locations: Florida and "South America"

One-liner:
[a fork lift truck bursts through a wall with Heller impaled on the forks]
Pam Bouvier: Oh, God, it's Heller.
James Bond: Yeah. Looks like he came to a dead end.

Good: LTK is known as the "violent" Bond. It ain't pretty. It's a revenge flick -- Sanchez rapes the bride of Bond's friend and colleague Felix Leiter before torturing Leiter (shark pool) and leaving him for dead; Wayne Newton might have the best Bond-cameo appearance and is just awesome as a television evangelist acting as a front for Sanchez's drug empire; Q comes to visit Bond in the field; the writers definitely play to the strhe amazing tractor trailer fight/chase; this might be the most underrated James Bond film out there.

Bad: Gladys Knight (!?) sings the opening credits song.

Thunderball (1965)
Plot: James Bond investigates the theft of two nuclear bombs by SPECTRE. The end.

Villain: Emilio Largo has no front, he is simply the #2 man at SPECTRE after Blofeld.

Henchman: Guy Doleman as the ineffective Count Lippe who ends up being eliminated by his own bosses; Fiona Volpe, one of the first henchwomen to get out in the field and try to take down Bond

Girl: Claudine Auger as the beautiful Domino -- not a bad name, for once.

Gadgets: A ridiculous jetpack that gets some screentime and pocket scuba gear.

Locations: Mostly in the Bahamas.

One-liner:
[after shooting a henchman with a spear gun]
James Bond: I think he got the point.

Good: It's a straightforward plot -- bad guy plans to hold the world hostage, Bond is sent after him, beats him and gets the girl in the end.

Bad: You have to see this rocketpack to understand how silly it is. James Bond shoots his way out of problems -- he doesn't fly to Superbowl I!

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Plot: This one is all about sub-envy: James Bond is sent to investigate the disappearance of nuclear missle-carrying submarines and discovers that shipping magnate Karl Stromberg is using a giant tanker to "eat" all other subs. Bond teams up with a Soviet agent who is on the same trail.

Villain: Karl Stromberg -- a knockoff of the Blofeld character because the producers lost the rights to Blofeld in a lengthy legal battle that began after Thunderball was released.

Henchman: One of the most famous Bond henchmen of all time - Jaws. If you've never seen the movie, you can pretty much figure out what his deal is.

Girl: Barbara Bach as the not-so-subtly-named Agent XXX of Russia -- James Bond's supposed equal.

Gadgets: A ski pole/gun; Bond's Lotus has surface-to-air missles

Locations: Egypt, the Austrian Alps, the Mediterranean

One-liner:
James Bond: Mmm, maybe I misjudged Stromberg. Any man who drinks Dom Perignon '52 can't be all bad.

Good: XXX's original mission was to kill James Bond, which she puts off so they can thwart Stromberg, but keeps it over his head for most of the movie. Bond just chuckles the death warrant off; Jaws really is terrifying; Roger Moore lays on the charm as Bond and gets away with my heart.

Bad: Stromberg is fairly generic as a villain; Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better" as the opening credits song sounds like elevator music.

The Real Deal Bond

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Plot: James Bond is the target of Francisco Scaramanga, an assassin who uses a golden gun to shoot his targets. Scaramanga is also constructing a solar-powered laser with which he can hold the world hostage.

Villain: The alway-excellent Christopher Lee as golden-triggerhappy Francisco Scaramanga.

Girl: Britt Eckland plays the mostly-useless Ms. Goodnight. Though she's supposed to be a help to Bond, she spends most of the movie either trapped in small spaces, or blatantly trying to get into Bond's pants.

Henchman: The late Herve Vellechaiz plays Nick-Nack, Scaramanga's short, yet still murderous, assistant.

Gadgets:
Scaramanga gets all the good ones: his golden gun has room for only one bullet -- he's that good -- and he also owns a flying car.

Locations: Mostly southeast Asia -- Bangkok, Hong Kong

One-liner:
James Bond: Who'd want to put a contract on me?
M: Jealous husbands! Outraged chefs! Humiliated tailors! The list is endless!

Good: Lulu's opening credits song is an underrated classic; Christopher Lee is pretty menacing and always keeps his cool; Bond's corkscrew car jump; something about Roger Moore and boats -- the Bangkok canal chase is pretty cool; the return of Sheriff J.W. Pepper from Live and Let Die.

Bad: Scaramanga's third nipple is one of Q's "gadgets;" Britt Eckland might be the worst Bond girl that doesn't have her vocals dubbed; silly sound effect during the corkscrew jump.

For You Eyes Only (1981)
My personal favorite Bond film and the best Roger Moore-era Bond.

Plot: Unknown assailants sink a British naval vessel in order to steal a submarine-tracking computer. James Bond is sent to recover the computer and determine who planned the attack.

Villain: British thespian Julian Glover as the slimy Aris Kristatos.

Henchman: Emile Locque as the brain and Erich Kriegler as the bleach-blonde brawn.

Girl: Carole Bouqet as Melina Havelock, whose parents are murdered by Kristatos's men. She's a feisty Greek bent on revenge. I don't like my Greeks any other way. There's also figure skating nymph Bibi Dahl -- one of the few women James Bond chooses not to bed.

Gadgets: After heading into outerspace in the last movie, James Bond finds himself mostly working with his wits in FYEO. His car does have a decent anti-theft system: self destruction.

Locations: The Italian Alps, the Greek Isles

One-liner:
[After rejecting Bibi Dahl's advances as she's lying under his bed covers, naked]
James Bond: Now put your clothes back on, and I'll buy you an ice cream.

Good: Overall a strong Bond film from start to finish. Carole Bouquet isn't that strong of an actress, but she does a good job as a crossbow-wielding revenger seeker; every single action sequence is exciting from the downhill car chase (with Bond driving a beat up Citroen - backwards!) to Bond's not-yet-ready launch off a ski jump followed by another downhill ski chase to the montain-top monastery raid with Columbo's Greek raiders. Speaking of Columbo, the actor Topol plays him with just the right amount of jolliness.

Bad: No gadgets at all! M never says "I don't want James coming out of the bathroom with just his dick in his hands"; the opening credits song is kind of lame - and Sheena Easton actually appears on screen to sing it.

Live and Let Die (1973)
Imagine if all of a sudden James Bond ended up in a 70's blaxploitation flick -- that's the first half of Live and Let Die.

Plot: You can't accuse the Bond producers of not keeping up with the times -- James Bond investigates the death of an agent in the Carribbean and discovers a drug trafficking ring financed by the dictator of a small island country with a presence in both Harlem and New Orleans.

Villain: Yaphet Koto as the dictator Kananga

Henchman: Two decent ones -- Tee Hee, who has a metal arm replacing what was bitten off by an alligator and the king of the zombies himself, Baron Samedi.

Girl: Bond gets his hands on CIA agent Rosie Carver first and then deflowers the absolutely stunning Solitaire, played by Jane Seymour. He does such a good job that he robs her of her soothsaying powers. Who knew Doctor Quinn could be so hot? Actually, I saw Wedding Crashers... so yeah...

Gadgets: The only thing special is a watch that can be turned into a high powered magnet. Gadgets were so off the minds of the writers of LALD that Q doesn't even appear in the movie.

Locations: Harlem, New Orleans, the Louisiana bayou, the Caribbean

One-liner:
[Bond has just explained the first two Lover's Lessons to Solitaire]
Solitaire: Is there time before we leave, for Lesson number 3?
James Bond: [undressing] Of course. There's no sense going out half-cocked.

Good: One of the most stylish Bond films for the time; Jane Seymour is just smokin'; the movie has pretty much all you could ask for -- blaxplotaition, jazz, big Cadillac cars and voodoo; LALD also takes a cue from the Smokey and the Bandit films with a great boat chase and its own version of a smokey; The very last camera shot is kind of cheesy but fits in perfectly with the film.

Bad: Definitely the most dated Bond film since the 60's. Sometimes goes over the top in the blaxplotation category, but then again, isn't that what blaxploitation is?

Goldeneye (1995)
Pierce Brosnan's first Bond film and also his best.

Plot: James Bond matches wits with an old friend, 006, who faked his own death in order to exact revenge on the United Kingdom for poor treatment of Russian Cossacks during the Stalin era. His plan is to detonate an EMP blast over London in begin a global financial crisis.

Villain: At first it looks like Bond is up against a former Soviet general in form of Ourumov, but then we learn it really is his old friend Alex Trevelyan, played by Sean Bean. Bean can definitely be seen as Pierce Brosnan's acting equal and luckily his character in the film also comes off as Bond's "evil" equal.

Girl: Who says computer programmers can't be sexy? The lovely Izabella Scorupco as Natalya Simonova agrees with me.

Henchman: Possibly my most favorite henchwoman of all time, Famke Janssen as Zenia Onatop, who's pelvis is so powerful, she can crush a man to death with just her legs. She also seems to get off real easily just by shooting a gun.

Gadgets: The first appearance of James Bond's BMW Z3 -- God I want this car bad, and this movie is over 10 years old -- with global GPS and behind-the-headlights stinger missles. Q Branch also gives Bond an Omega watch that has a built-in laser and a pants belt that doubles for a grapple launcher.

Locations: Monte Carlo, Siberia, the Caribbean

One-liner:
Xenia Onatopp: You don't need the gun.
James Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.

Good: The entire pre-title sequence, especially Bond's bungee jump and cliff jump after an out-of-control airplane; the opening credits sequence with naked chicks destroying statues of Lenin; Bond's ride through St. Petersburg in a tank.

Bad: Tina Turner's opening credits song isn't so hot; a lot of the score is done with a synthesizer; Pierce Brosnan's hair is a little big; the movie inspired the video game that made me socially awkward for most of my freshman year at college.

Goldfinger (1964)
If this is your favorite Bond, we got some issues.

Plot: The first of James Bond's "over the top" plots. James Bond discovers international merchant Auric Goldfinger's plot to irradiate Fort Knox, thus rendering the US's gold supply useless and increasing the value of his own gold supply several times over.

Villain: Gert Frobe as Aurich Goldfinger. Apparently Ian Flemming did not believe in the statement that "anyone who speaks German can't be evil."

Girl: There are quite a few, but everyone associates this film with Pussy Galore, the leader of a all-women flying circus. In the Goldfinger novel, Pussy Galore is a lesbian -- James Bond changes her mind.

Henchman: Probably the most well known Bond henchman, Odd Job, played by former wrestler Harold Sakata, with martial arts moves and a bowler hat that has razor metal for a brim.

Gadgets: The introduction of the most famous Bond vehicle, the Aston Martin DB5 equipped with a rear bullet-proof shield, smokescreen, oil slick and passenger ejection seat for the future Mrs. Bond.

Locations: England, Germany and Kentucky -- yeee haaaw.

One-liner:
Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore.
James Bond: I must be dreaming.

Good: Naked woman covered in gold -- how can that not be good? Oh wait, she's dead; the most "Bond" of all the Bond films.

Bad: Heavy dubbing on all the foreign actors.

Casino Royale (2006)
The reboot that should be the template for all movie franchise reboots. Bond truly does go back to his roots as the hard-edged government agent who uses mostly blind force and some wits to get the job done. It also doesn't hurt that the producers return to the earliest source material for the plot of the film -- Ian Flemming's novel of the same name is the first James Bond adventure.

Plot: Unless you've been living in a cave, you know what this film is about: James Bond has just been promoted to double-0 status and is sent to the Casino Royale in Montenegro to beat terrorist-enabler Le Chiffre at poker in order to deprive terrorists of funds.

Villain: Mads Mikkelsen plays Le Chiffre. You can barely call him a villain since he doesn't care about taking over the world or even creating a super-race. No, he's just a genius card player who gets bankrolled by terrorist outfits to win money for them.

Girl: Caterina Murino plays Solange (Bond's first 007 conquest); Eva Green is Vesper Lynd, a Treasury agent that is there to watch over Bond as he plays with the Queen's money.

Henchman: Quite a few thugs, but no one memorable. Bond does chase an acrobatic bomb-maker at the beginning of the film.

Gadgets: No Q in this one -- Bond does get a little tracking/health monitor implant in his arm. He also gets a shiny new Aston Martin with a defibrillator in the glove box. I bet that lowers the insurance on it a little.

Locations: Madagascar, Montenegro, Venice

One-liner: The bits of humor in Casino Royale are few and far apart, but when they do occur they'll having you guffawing.
Almost every one-line is a gem, but here's my favorite:
James Bond [while being viciously beaten between the legs with a rug beater]: Now the whole world will know that you died scratching my balls!

Good: A unique twist on the Bond-in-gunbarrel POV shot; the film's near complete-faithfulness to the book; the one-liners when they occur; the post-title action sequence; the Venetian palazzo collapse; Jeffrey Wright as Bond's "brother from Langley" Felix Leiter; Bond's final line.

Bad: The producers replacing the book's baccarat game with poker; Daniel Craig doesn't get to shine as an actor -- he was good in Munich; the presence of Judi Dench as M presents an identity crisis for the series as she reminds us of the Brosnan era.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
You read that right -- OHMSS is one of the best Bond films ever made, and you probably haven't seen it. Shame on you.

Plot: James Bond goes undercover to infiltrate Ernst Blofeld's latest operation -- brainwashing women from around the world to unleash biological chemical agents into the air and water supplies on his command. Along the way Bond meets and falls in love with Tracy di Vicenzo, the daughter of international mob boss Marc-Ange Draco -- a rival of Blofeld.

Villain: Telly Savalas takes a turn as Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Who loves ya, Bond-y?

Girl: Diana Rigg plays Tracy di Vicenzo, but for the most part, her presence in the film is outside Bond's mission; she does appear at the beginning (pre-mission) part of the film and in the scenes leading up to the film's climax.

Henchman: Ilse Steppat plays Irma Bunt, looking like a poison-tipped-shoeless Rosa Klebb from From Russia with Love. She comes off as just the really nasty headmistress of Blofeld's "clinic". This is definitely Telly Savalas's show.

Gadgets: OHMSS goes back to Bond's gadget-less roots. Q does make an obligatory appearance, but doesn't give any tools to 007. Several gadgets from previous Bonds show up in a scene where James considers resigning.

Locations: Most of the film takes place in Switzerland, with the end in Portugal.

One-liner:
[At the beginning of the film after Bond rescues Tracy from drowning herself only to lose her to two kidnappers while dispatching two other would-be kidnappers]
James Bond: [to the camera] This never happened to the other fellow.

Good: The above sequence and first line of dialogue get me every time; George Lazenby could have been Bond for several more films; Diana Rigg is one of the best Bond girls who is definitely a Bond woman; Telly Savalas chews scenery like it's rare steak; the demolition derby; Bond telling Draco that his daughter (Tracy) needs a psychiatrist and Draco telling Bond that "she needs ... a man... to *dominate* her! To make love to her enough to make her love him! A man like [Bond]!"

Bad: Not having any gadgets at all hurts the film a little since we're so used to them; the film created too many Lazenby-haters; lyric-less opening song; the downhill ski-chase/avalanche has too many blue-screen shots for close-ups --Lazenby wasn't allowed to ski by the insurance company.

From Russia with Love (1963)
Possibly the best Bond film ever made.

Plot: SPECTRE, the organization headed by Ernst Stavro Blofeld, lures James Bond to Istanbul in order to assassinate him. Bond heads there thinking he is going to contact a soon-to-be Russian defector, but soon learns the truth.

Villain: Blofeld is technically the "main bad guy" but he does most of his bad guy-ing from behind a desk, giving orders to Rosa (poison-tipped-shoes) Klebb.

Henchman: Robert Shaw as the assassin Red Grant -- the original bleach-blonde psychopath henchman.

Girl: Former Miss Universe Daniela Bianchi plays one of the most stunning Bond girls ever as Tatiana Romanova.

Gadgets: A briefcase containing a collapseable sniper rifle, hidden compartment for money, hidden throwing dagger and a booby trap for all those snoopers. Sometimes simple is best.

Locations: Istanbul, Venice, aboard the Orient Express, Yugoslavia

One-liner:
[after shooting down a SPECTRE helicopter]
James Bond: I'd say one of their aircraft is missing.

Good: Daniella Bianchi (clothes optional); it's distinctly a Bond film, but not over the top; the fight on the train; the gadgets that aren't totally out of this world; the gypsy camp fight between two women fighting over a man turning into an all-out military assualt.

Bad: Very little, if anything at all.

-------------------

So as we can see, most of the films towards the end of this list don't have outlandish special effects and gadgetry -- and if they do, it's balanced out with good performances from actors and a simple but still intriguing plot that calls for James Bond and not some other, generic spy. They are all unique and have something memorable about them whether it's a particular villain, henchman, girl, gadget or one-liner or all five.

Now you can plan ahead for the next 007 marathon on SpikeTV. Happy viewing!

Well Look-y Here

2006-12-21T12:54:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while since I last posted... work and life's responsibilities have had most of my attention for the past month, but I did want to pass on the wonderful news: Bill Simmons wrote something both accurate and relevant, without hyperbole -- and I agree with him 100% on this one.

He's a big fan of The Wire and he had a little to say in one of his NFL columns a couple weeks ago. To quote him: "I believe it's the most important show of my lifetime."

Amen to that.

Friday Night Right

2006-11-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

Why is a show called Friday Night lights on Tusday night? Why is there a show on Mondays that gets its inspiration from a program on Saturday nights? Regardless, FNL is better than SNL and Studio 60 combined and here's why: the line, "Are you crazy about me? Or just crazy?", brings the Matt/Harriet relationship to its dizzying height. So dizzyingly high that I can no longer watch this garbage.

Studio 60 could possibly be the 60-minute drama version of Two and a Half Men and According to Jim: bland, predictable and oh-so-popular among people who get 70% of their news from People magazine.

Want some brain food? Give Friday Night Lights a chance -- it just got a full season order from NBC, so you won't risk getting attached and then being let down. Whereas Studio 60 is all about gloss and character who not only are steadfast in their beliefs but can never do wrong, Friday Night Lights is the opposite. Kyle Chandler plays a hardass coach who doesn't always know best. It's refreshing. That, and the wicked hot cheerleaders.

Vote, for a change

2006-11-07T10:52:00.000-05:00

"I don't care" and "I don't know enough about the candidates/issues" are two of the poorest excuses for not heading to the polls. By not voting, you are forfeiting your right to complain about pretty much everything.

Take 20 minutes, catch up and then stop by your polling station.

Massachusetts Gubenatorial Candidate Comparison
Massachusetts Ballot Questions Information
Where to vote

Just Have to...

2006-11-06T16:36:00.000-05:00

My coworkers have seen me for most of the day trying to hold in deep laughter while I wear my headphones because of this:

I don't know if it it originally was released as an XBox commercial or if someone just added the still at the end. After some online searching, I'm guessing that the above video is an audition tape for the below video (recognize gunman #4?).

Studio Whatever Whatever Whatever

2006-11-02T13:19:00.000-05:00

Studio 60 on Sunset Strip was supposed to be the it show of the 2006-2007 season -- Aaron "Cocaine is my creative juice" Sorkin producing a behind-the-scenes type show featuring some pretty heavy TV talent in the form of Bradley Cooper, Matthew Perry, Steven Weber, DL Hughley and Timothy Busfield -- too bad it's been sucking.

The focus of nearly every show has been the failed relationship between Matthew Perry's character, Matt -- a brilliant, yet abrasive comedy writer -- and Sarah Paulsen's character, Harriet -- a comedically talented, devout Southern Baptist. This might have worked had there been any glimmer of chemistry between the two or a reason for the audience to believe that they would have gotten along together during their relationship. This isn't the case and the show suffers immensely for it -- similar to the debacle that was The O.C.'s third season.

I can see it now:

Episode 13: Matt and Harriet end up sleeping with each other after a wild wrap party
Episode 14: An entire episode of "things [getting] weird"
Episode 20: Matt and Harriet are officially an item again
Sometime in season two: Matt and Harriet are off again
Repeat every 18-22 episodes

I should be the show runner.

Studio 60 would be a much better show if they simple changed the focus. So far, the subplots have been much more interesting: Bradley Whitfords's character's drug problem, Amanda Peet's character's ex-husband writing a tell-all book about her, one of the staff writers plagiarizing, a 90-year-old blacklisted writer sneaking onto the set, D.L. Hughley's attempts to find a "real" black writer for the show, just to give an example.

Many of the critics who want to perform sexual acts on Aaron Sorkin fear the reason the show is doing poorly in the ratings is that it's too high-brow -- that people in Nebraska don't care about the behind-the-scene action at a fictional sketch show. I find it hard to believe that Nebraskans would be more interested in people discovering they have superpowers or a group of people stranded on an island, but they apparently do, according to the ratings. If Aaron Sorkin wants to show an audience a love/hate relationship, why do it against the backdrop of a behind-the-scenes look at a sketch comedy show? Why not just do it in a vacuum? Why not the vacuum of space where no one has to listen to it? It's the content that stinks, not the context.

The last episode of Studio 60 was actually decent: the Matt/Harriet story was kept to a minimum and most of the actors other than Matthew Perry and Sarah Paulsen had significant things to do. Too bad that was two weeks ago and the show as off the schedule this week.

Studio 60 probably won't make it past March and will go down in history as Aaron Sorkin's failed bid to skewer the television industry. Too bad, because I do enjoy pooping on it.

RIP Red

2006-11-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

Whoopitedoo summed it up better than I could have, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in as well: Red Auerbach was the most important non-player in NBA history. In this modern day of triangle offenses and designer suits and whoring for ESPN and TNT, there will never be someone like him again.

The Celtics did right by his memory yesterday both with the City Hall Plaza rally in his honor and the opening night pre-game ceremonies. Paul Pierce added a nice touch by dedicating not just the '06-'07 season to Red (which we knew about through ESPN and the Globe for the past few days), but the rest of his career as a Celtic (a nice surprise).

It's damn shame that the Celtics have been consistently terrible for the last 4 years -- Pierce's popularity level in this town could easily match that of David Ortiz or Tom Brady if only the team could make the headlines. What's doubly depressing about the Celtics competitive situation is that for the most part, this is a team without egos -- the only thing bringing it down is lack of experience and poor coaching decisions. Doc Rivers's inability to settle on a set starting lineup will get him booted by the end of the year. We can also say adios to Danny Ainge at the end of the season if Rivers' theoretical replacement can't show some improvement. This year has "Pitino-in-01" written all over it.

Despite it all, I'm sure Red would be happy about the direction of the franchise as of this season. Here's hoping they eventually win a championship in his memory.

Addendum -- have you seen Kendrick Perkins??? That dude is huge!

Congrats Cards

2006-10-19T22:58:00.000-05:00

Hey -- it was the Mets's series to lose, and they did, as it was the Yankee's ALDS series to lose. Now I'm going to have to put up with Deadspin's hourly blogs about the Cardinals for another week. Oh well. Verlander! Suppan! It's the 2006 World Series on FOX! I could care less about who wins.

Picture Perfect

2006-10-19T12:20:00.000-05:00

With photos and stills trickling out of the new Transformers movie production, one thing is irking me -- the movie robots look nothing like the cartoon robots. I understand that the story might be open to interpretation and Michael Bay/Steven Spielberg could want a more updated look for the Autobots and Decepticons, but robots aren't meant to have visible muscles or look like simple twisted metal. Visible goatees are cool, but non-angular, sinewy forms are not very robot-like indeed. I came across this image today and it pretty much sums it up (click to enlarge):

Click here for more renditions of our favorite characters.

Want to See My Work Desktop Wallpaper?

2006-10-05T14:19:00.000-05:00

Click here.

Lucky for me, the work environment is pretty laid back.

'Kidnapped' To Soon Vanish

2006-10-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

And so it begins.

One of the fall season's more highly touted programs is about to have production halted -- which is the industry-PC term for cancellation. That's too bad because it was an actually halfway decent program. I was even planning to add it to my glorious new DVR when it gets set up next week.

I haven't seen it since I checked out the pilot through Netflix back in August, but it had potential. Jeremy Sisto was a good fit for his role as the not-by-the-book abductee finder, and Timothy Hutton brought plenty of nervous energy to make you suspect he that he's behind the kidnapping of his son. Delroy Lindo also brought some gravitas to the series.

I've been missing a lot since I stopped using TiVo at the beginning of September. Here's hoping that Studio Sixty (probably, but deservedly) and Jericho survive so I can catch up and keep watching.

Found: The Quality of Season Two

2006-10-04T14:52:00.000-05:00

It was under my couch.

No, no... it was actually in ABC's ridiculous airing schedule. Trying to find an original episode of Lost being broadcast last season between September and May practically required a Mayan calendar -- and it really hurt the quality and overall effectiveness of the season. Having just blazed through about 20 episodes in the last week, I find that season two of Lost stands up incredibly well to the high standard that season one set forward.

During its original broadcast schedule, the show itself seemed lost -- meandering between characters' backstories and not making a strong connection between their pasts and their episodic situations on the island. A tighter schedule would have connected events better thematically over the course of the season.

Here's a quick rundown of their season two broadcast schedule:
Starting on 9/21:
5 weeks of shows
2 weeks off
4 weeks of shows
5 weeks off (!!!!!)
3 weeks of shows
1 week off
2 weeks of shows
2 weeks off
1 show
2 weeks off
4 weeks of shows
2 weeks off
4 weeks of shows

Three shows in eight weeks totally killed the momentum.

Begin Spoiler Alert

The arrival of Henry Gale changed the tone of the show for the better. Breaking up that arc over the course of the second part of the season totally ruined it for the viewers.

Season two had a few other things going against it -- season one might be one of the best seasons of any show broadcast on network television, and the Anna Lucia character had almost no redeeming qualities. I'm still shocked by Michael's betrayal, but after re-watching the exploits of the Tail Section, I don't miss her as much.

The second season also did much to debunk the whole "island magic" thing, pointing towards Dr. Moreau-science as the reason for most goings-ons. I think viewers dug the enchantment/mystical theme and just got a little cranky when they realized it might be smoke and mirrors.

One thing everyone needs to remember -- there is a long-term plan (according to the producers). Thinking that you have everything figured out after only a quarter of the story is presumptuous.

End Spoiler Alert

Season three does promise to be more cohesive -- a six episode mini-arc to start, a break until 2007 and then 18 episodes straight until May.

Where does Lost stand amongst television's giants? I still think it's broadcast television's best show, Academy for Television Arts and Sciences be damned!

If you haven't gotten into it, I implore you -- get the first and second seasons and decide for yourself whether it's worth your time. Don't let a disenchanted viewer or a hyper fanboy like myself convince you one way or another. Beyond the island, the magic, and the science it's simply a story of human relationships. We as humans are connected by the way we simply deal with things - whether they're joyous moments like a World Series win or tragic ones like a terrorist attack, or a plane crash. Lost just changes the scenery for us.

Not to Get Lazy or Anything...

2006-10-02T15:13:00.000-05:00

I have no intention of this blog turning into a linkdump, but here's another doozy:

http://firejoemorgan.blogspot.com/

The Wednesday, Sept. 27 entry is an absolutely blistering chat line-by-chat line commentary/deconstruction/assassination of Joe Morgan's chat on ESPN.com. These chat commentaries are a standard feature of firejoemorgan.blogspot.com.

Bittersweet Vindication

2006-10-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

Has it really been 12 days since the last post? Time flies. I'm still unpacking, eating dinner with future-in-laws and getting full-time jobs.

The Simmons hate-a-thon is in its opening throes:

Read this first (optional, but helpful for context).

Read this.

Read this after.

Essentially, Bill Simmons lives in an insular world in which is "cutting edge"-ness is actually tempered by his employers. He provides a few interesting ideas every three months, but ultimately his schtick is just that: contrived, expected and used way-too-much. I'll admit I give him the hometown critical discount because I do enjoy when he talks about the Celtics' glory days, but I can definitely see how non-Boston-based bloggers can feel their bile rising.

Reason #519 Why I Don't Do Public Transportation

2006-09-20T08:15:00.000-05:00

I needed to drop my car off at the dealership for some service, so I decided today would be the day -- I would drop it off in Allston, take the bus to Harvard Square and then the Red Line to work. Easy-peezy.

As I'm boarding the bus, standing behind someone who's putting change in the newly-designed fare machine, I hear a voice from behind me: "Get a pass.... get a pass. This thing wouldn't take forty minutes if you had a pass." -- what an ass!

So the new fare machine requires you to put in each coin at a time, rather than dropping a chunk of change in and letting the machine sort it out. I assume the new machine has fewer mechanical parts -- and a lesser chance of breaking.

I barely had gotten my change into the machine when Mr. Ass reached around me to swipe is almighty pass. If my first cup of coffee had kicked in by then, I would have told him to shove his pass.

It looks like I'll have to add T-riders to my list of people with unbearable superiority complexes: T-riders, vegetarians, bicyclists, and women.

For the record, the bus took about 15 minutes to get to Harvard Square.

Eyes Wide Open

2006-09-20T08:03:00.000-05:00

Out the door at 7:20am, second cup of coffee by 8:50am. I'm as wide awake today as I'm gonna be.... yikes.

Poor, unlucky Louis

2006-09-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

Man, you really have to stink for HBO not to give you a second season.

If you didn't hear, HBO won't be inviting Louis C.K. over to its house on Sunday nights anymore. Methinks that production costs were not the issue. Shows such as Carnivale and Rome each got second seasons, and I'm sure a single episode of Rome or Carnivale costs as much as the entire Lucky Louis production run. The Wire averages the same number of viewers as LL, but is already slated to return for a fifth and final season.

No, methinks that it was simply an issue of quality -- of which The Wire, Carnivale, Rome, and The Sopranos have quite a bit.

Rest in peace, Lucky Louis. You will be remembered as HBO's first (and hopefully last) three-camera sitcom.

To Netflix or not to Netflix

2006-09-19T13:09:00.000-05:00

As you can probably tell from the number of TV-related posts in the last two years, I am a TV junkie. I'd rather talk about television all day long than movies. That said, I'm considering removing most movies from my Netflix queue and going with a near all-TV diet. Is this a smart thing to do, especially since the Fall 06 season is upon us? Are there any new shows worth watching? The Nine piques my curiosity, but that's about it. I'll also probably jump on The Office bandwagon (I know -- waaaay late, but if you saw the BBC version first, like I did, you wouldn't care too much about the US show until now, either).

The math:

2005/06 (not including series airing during Summer '06)

Lost
24 (January-May)
The Sopranos (March-June)
Big Love (March-June)
The Shield (January-March)
House
The OC
Prison Break
Arrested Development
Rome (August-November)

Arrested Development is dead and I'm also dropping the OC from my rotation.

2006/07

Lost
24 (January)
The Sopranos (Spring)
Big Love (Spring)
The Shield (January)
House
The Nine
Prison Break
The Office
Rome (Spring)

Looks like I'll be commiting the same number of hours, just to different programs. Distribution between Fall and Spring is about the same. Looks like Autumn is the perfect time to fill in the empty broadcast hours. Why spend my time outside while the weather is still good when I can fill my brain up with even more scripted, serialized goodness?

Movies will always be there for us, it's just that once a good movie is releases, there's buzz for a week or two and then there is no more. Once a good television show is broadcast, there's buzz for a day or two... and then a week later there's new buzz for a day or two... and on and on over the course of 4-8 months. Granted, there won't be buzz over the shows I see on DVD, but I'm looking at this as pop-cultural enrichment.

Now, what should I add first?

Housekeeping

2006-09-19T13:01:00.000-05:00

Quiet day at work + the most boring day of the week = blog maintenance!

I've cleaned up the links on the right, removing some (Megan and Joseph, tsk tsk) blog listings, creating a few categories, and adding a couple links that I think you all would enjoy.

Also, the Netflix RSS feed I had keeps breaking. I know you are absolutely dying to know what I have in my queue, but I just can't get the feed to stay consistent. If you want to know, just join Netflix and 'friend' me.

Perhaps now I'll do a little site redesign. Who else is tired of black all the time?

Adios TiVo

2006-09-16T09:59:00.000-05:00

TiVo announced that it's new HD, Series 3 box will have an MSRP of $799. Taking off that dollar from the even $800 really takes the bite away. Combine that with TiVo's "very special" offer for existing lifetime subscription customers to transfer their accounts for $200. I understand that a TiVo is for true television lovers who want to watch TV on their own time -- but $1000 for that convenience (plus a monthly or yearly subscription) is ridiculous. Cable companies are offering the same service for just a subscription. Satellite companies are offering the same service with a subscription and a much less expensive piece of hardware. Is the wonderful, sound-effects-laden interface of a TiVo worth almost $1000?

I think not.

It was nice while it lasted, TiVo -- you never missed a show, you did your job, and you broke my heart.

Don't Ever Move

2006-09-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

I just completed my fourth post-college move in less than two and a half years. Someone shoot me.

The worst part of it is that you think of moving day as some sort of finishing line when it's really just a marker. Every day post-move is dedicated towards "unpacking" and "settling in". Nights and weekends cease to exist, simply becoming "more time to go to Home Depot." This can go on and on until you eventually move again.

Did I mention the move took place within a span of three weddings in three weekends? Gotta love being in your mid-20's.

Saturday Night Gone

2006-08-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

Saturday Night Live is supposedly cutting down its cast before the show returns to the air in September. Several different news reports have come out today and yesterday, but they all contain a different set of names.

If I had to get rid of four Not Ready for Prime Time Players, I'd boot Horatio Sanz, Finesse Mitchell, Bill Hader and Jason Suediis (I don't even know what he looks like). All are unfunny and Sanz couldn't not flub a line/break character if his life depended on it. If I had my way, I'd boot the entire cast, crew, and producers and broadcast an hour and a half of static. I bet that hour and a half of static would be a lot more funny that an episode of SNL. A colonoscopy is probably more funny than an episode of SNL these days.

NBC should take a queue from ABC, which will no longer be broadcasting Monday Night Football -- it's OK to do away with your network institutions. When the funniest thing you've broadcast in several years (Lazy Sunday) is a taped piece written by non-staff writers, you have a problem.

Boring Simmons

2006-08-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure from whence my wrath for Bill Simmons came, but today's "article" is another straw to break a camel's back. Maybe it's an ESPN.com directive that limits his output, but I doubt it, given that he still has the "More Cowbell" blog running, despite no posts since mid-March.

In the last month, Simmons has blessed us with a whopping 12 pieces including two mailbags, four re-posts of old articles and two ESPN the Magazine pieces.

Mailbags are, for lack of a better term, mixed bags. They're pretty entertaining, but they're only half written by the man. They're an easy out for someone who doesn't feel like expounding on one topic for two dozen paragraphs. Instead, it's one paragraph on two dozen topics. Lame.

So we're stuck with four original, full length articles in the last month. It smacks of laziness and creative apathy. Bill: if you have trouble writing about topics that don't relate either to the NBA or anything that took place in the 1990s, why not change your moniker to "The Lazy-Ass Nearly Anything But Sports Guy"?

I want to like The Artist Formerly Known as the Boston Sports Guy, but it's getting harder and harder every 2-3 days. Maybe a sabbatical to anywhere except Las Vegas is needed.

Moving

2006-08-23T12:28:00.000-05:00

When it comes to moving, the phrase "Time is Money" goes out the window. In an effort to save as much money as possible, my ladyfriend and I have spent almost all of our free time packing boxes, loading cards, and trudging items up and down hallways and staircases over the last couple of weeks. Couple this activity with several weddings, birthdays and other summer parties and you get one very exhausted, angry, young Bostonian. The movers are coming this weekend, but who knows when we'll actually finish "moving".

I will miss the Davis Square area quite a bit. Somerville has gotten a bad rap the last decade or so that is undeserved. Much of the city is clean, well lit and all the squares have great restaurants and bars. Having lived on both sides of the Charles, I'll take Somerville and Cambridge over the bedbug/college student infested shithole of Allston and Brighton any day. Plus, my car insurance premium is less.

Return to Form

2006-08-14T07:46:00.000-05:00

It's been four weeks since I last posted anything, and the shrinking portion of my brain that is my creative side is calling me to action. Work has been busy, life has been busy over the last four weeks, so deal with it.

Here are some topics that have been on my mind:

The official sport of Massachusetts is basketball. The Boston Globe immediately interviews whiny Red Sox fans who have nothing better to do than complain that the Sox got the shaft.
Basketball was invented in Springfield, the Celtics are the winningest sports franchise in the state, and the sport is popular across economic and race divisions. You don't see a lot of midnight baseball games going on. It's played the world over (odd for Massachusetts to pick something that does NOT further its isolation from the rest of the country). If this were to happen anytime from 1900-1986, everyone would have agreed with the decision. It's actually refreshing for once that the Red Sox are not central to a sports story in New England. I eagerly anticipate a Red Sox press conference to assure me that the Red Sox still exist in the hearts and minds of Celtics, Patriots and Bruins fans everywhere.

------------------------------------------------

Speaking of baseball, the Red Sox aren't doing so well as of late (though they did sweep the lowly Orioles -- something they should have done against both Tampa Bay and Kansas City -- despite mostly mediocre performances from their starting pitchers and bullpen). If this is the first, true "lost" season for the new ownership/Theo, I wonder how long it will take them to realize it? Do they push Curt Schilling to make every start or do they experiment with Papelbon extending his appearances and having Craig Hansen close? Do they rush Trot Nixon or Jason Varitek back from the DL or do they audition some of the young'ns that will eventually take Tek and Trot's places in the starting lineup in a couple years?

------------------------------------------------

Al Jefferson's season might already be lost . A year ago, he was going to be the next savior of the franchise. Now, he's riding a stationary bike and trying not to eat fried foods. I don't think the Celtics should cut their losses just yet, especially since they picked up his option for 07-08, but this is getting ridiculous. Every year it looks like the only way for the Celtics to go is forward, but trading for Sebastian Telfair (essentially a third year rookie) and missing out on an Al Iverson deal -- or any deal for a veteran for that matter -- is yet another painful step backwards.

------------------------------------------------

Is anyone else done with the Sports Guy? I used to gobble up every word he wrote from his AOL days back in the mid-late nineties to his jump to ESPN.com to today, but I think I'm finally over it. His "this is the way it should be, according to Bill" attitude and tired references to pop-culture are becoming stale. When he first started writing for ESPN.com and everyone was having a sportsgasm when a new article came out, I was angry because I felt that I had "discovered" him when he wrote for Digital City Boston. Now -- you can have him. He's gone Hollywood. He's mailing it in. The fact that someone developed a "write your own Sports Guy column" generator proves the point that he's fallen prone to predictability. Plus he's written like four columns in the last month. If I'm writing a blog for free and posting a few times a week (at my height), how hard is it for someone who's actually paid by the word? Does anyone know any pre-mainstream Sports Guy-type writers out there that I can get into?

------------------------------------------------

I just spent the last week listening to every Rolling Stones studio album in chronological order and now I don't know what to make of them. Half their output is just irrelevant. Poor Ron Wood -- the only relevant Stones album he can call his own is Some Girls. I doubt he's proud of Dirty Work. Surprisingly, their latest effort, A Bigger Bang, is halfway decent. The problem with the Stones is that they are not an album band. They are a singles band that puts out albums. Half of their early releases (and even all the way up to 1981's Tattoo You) consisted of several singles, blues covers and previous studio recordings. Rarely did the Stones enter the studio with a plan to put together an actual album of consistent material.

------------------------------------------------

NBC actually did something somewhat out of the box by releasing the pilot episodes to two new series (Studio 60 on Sunset Strip and Kidnapped) on DVD this past week, a month before their actual airdates. Too bad both series aren't that great. Maybe releasing 2-3 episodes would have resulted in a more positive critical impact from their target audiences. Pilots are tricky -- they exist to introduce characters and set up a premise for the series. It would be hard to view a pilot as a run of the mill episode. The pilot plus a second or third episode would go a long way in grabbing more interest simply by developing things by just a little. Too bad the advertisers would never allow it.

R.I.P Juror #7

2006-07-24T09:57:00.000-05:00

Jack Warden died over the weekend, which is too bad. He was one of those instantly-recognizable, "that guy"'s. I most recently saw him in Twelve Angry Men (an excellent movie that you should put at the top of your Netflix). He was definitely one of the more angry men, and made fun of Juror #6 for being an Orioles fan.

I always thought he had a very distinct, gruff voice; but from checking his IMDb sheet, he only had one voice role in his entire career. Other movies I've seen with him (that I remember seeing him): All the Presidents Men, The Replacements, Toys, and the Problem Child series.

Jack Warden also completes the most recent "death comes in threes" trifect, finished up the cycle that Barnard Hughes and Red Buttons started (unless you count Mickey Spillane).

Boob Tube Awards

2006-07-14T16:03:00.000-05:00

2006 Emmy nominations were announced last week and I didn't have time to register my disgust/confusion between the extra-long 4th of July weekend and the my trip to eat Pittsburgh.

2006 is the first year for a new type of nomination process -- I wouldn't have known it unless nearly every single television critic decried it last week as useless because their favorite, underrated shows will have to remain favorite and underrated (read: still un-nominated) for another year.

Under the old process, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences picked five nominees per category for all categories. This year, ATAS picked 10 finalists for best comedy and best drama to be reviewed by a "blue-ribbon" panel of judges, which would then decide on the top five shows that should receive nominations. For each acting category, 15 actors/actresses are chosen to be judged by this panel. It sounds like a simple enough solution to allow extra consideration for shows like Scrubs and actresses like Lauren Graham so they can compete with perennial nominees The West Wing, James Gandolfini, etc.

I haven't looked up the definition of "blue-ribbon", but from looking at the list of this year's nominations, I can only deduce the definition to be something like, "People magazine-reading, Everybody Loves Raymond-missing, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'"-thinking retards.

Let's look at some of the categories that many thought would look much different than 2005, either by several *new* names or by several *different* types of shows (and predictions):

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Will Arnett, "Arrested Development" (FOX)
Bryan Cranston, "Malcolm in the Middle" (FOX)
Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men" (CBS)
Sean Hayes, "Will & Grace" (NBC)
Jeremy Piven, "Entourage" (HBO)

I'm a big fan of Bryan Cranston, but how can Cranston, Jon Cryer, and Sean Hayes be better than David Cross, Tony Hale, Michael Cera or Jeffrey Tambor (all from Arrested Development)? How is any one of them better than Kevin Dillon (Entourage)? I don't even watch The Office, but I know that Rainn Wilson deserves to be up there. With both Malcolm in the Middle and Will & Grace off the air next year, I hope this category changes some more. (Jeremy Piven wins)

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Cheryl Hines, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)
Megan Mullally, "Will & Grace" (NBC)
Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds" (Showtime)
Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl" (NBC)
Alfre Woodard, "Desperate Housewives" (ABC)

None of the women here are brilliantly funny. Some of them aren't funny at all (I'm looking at you Cheryl Hines, Megan Mullally and Alfre Woodard). Jessica Walter's (Arrested Development) bile is funnier than this list of women. (Megan Mullally wins, because everyone who votes is incredibly stupid)

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Alan Alda, "The West Wing" (NBC)
Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos" (HBO)
Gregory Itzin, "24" (FOX)
Oliver Platt, "Huff" (Showtime)
William Shatner, "Boston Legal" (ABC)

If anything, the last season of the Sopranos was Michael Imperioli's year. Not this one. How can none of the supporting actors from Lost be nominated? Michael Emerson, who played Henry Gale on Lost, should win this category; I doubt he was even considered. (William Shatner wins again, sigh)

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Candice Bergen, "Boston Legal" (ABC)
Blythe Danner, "Huff" (Showtime)
Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
Jean Smart, "24" (FOX)
Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

Candice Bergen is still alive? This is the weakest category. Why no love for Big Love's Ginnifer Goodwin? Lauren Ambrose (Six Feet Under) had a great final season and nothing to show for it. (Blythe Danner wins)

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Steve Carell, "The Office" (NBC)
Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)
Kevin James, "The King of Queens" (CBS)
Tony Shalhoub, "Monk" (USA)
Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men" (CBS)

25 years from now, will we be reflecting on how great Charlie Sheen and Kevin James were on their shows? Now that Frasier and Everybody Loves Raymond are off the air, this is how it's going to play out? Comedy is dead. (Either Steve Carell or Tony Shalhoub rightfully wins).

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Stockard Channing, "Out of Practice" (CBS)
Jane Kaczmarek, "Malcolm in the Middle" (FOX)
Lisa Kudrow, "The Comeback" (HBO)
Debra Messing, "Will & Grace" (NBC)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine" (CBS)

The most baffling category: all but one of these shows is now cancelled, and the other was on the bubble for a while. Out of Practice was effectively cancelled in January after airing 12 episodes, burning off one in late March. I take back what I said about the Supporting Actress in a Drama Series category -- LEAD Actress is the weakest category by far. (Debra Messing wins and Jane Kaczmarek's head explodes)

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Peter Krause, "Six Feet Under" (HBO)
Denis Leary, "Rescue Me" (FX)
Christopher Meloni, "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC)
Martin Sheen, "The West Wing" (CBS)
Kiefer Sutherland, "24" (FOX)

Though it's hard to do with a role, rather than a premise, actors should push envelopes and take characters in convincing directions. How is it possible for Christopher Meloni to do this when he's on a police procedural? Every time I turned on the West Wing, it was about the damn election -- and Martin Sheen was nowhere to be seen.

More importantly, where the FUCK is Hugh Laurie? Down below you see that House is nominated for Best Drama, yet Gregory House is of no consequence? Laurie IS that show. Also missing is Michael Chiklis (The Shield) - he should be an automatic. (Martin Sheen wins due to nostalgia, Kiefer Sutherland tackles him on the way to the stage and begins a pretty bloody interrogation)

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Frances Conroy, "Six Feet Under" (HBO)
Geena Davis, "Commander In Chief" (ABC)
Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC)
Allison Janney, "The West Wing" (NBC)
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer" (TNT)

This category is actually OK, except what I said about Chris Meloni also goes for Mariska Hargitay. Believe it or not, Edie Falco (and James Gandolfini in consideration for Best Actor) had a sub par year on The Sopranos and should not be on that list. (Geena Davis unexpectedly wins, Kiefer Sutherland tackles her on the way to the stage and begins a pretty bloody interrogation)

Outstanding Comedy Series

"Arrested Development" (FOX)
"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)
"The Office" (NBC)
"Scrubs" (NBC)
"Two and a Half Men" (CBS)

Again, a decent selection, if you remove Two and a Half Men. Throw in Entourage and you have one of the strongest Outstanding Comedy Series categories of all time. FYI: My Name is Earl is not a funny show. Not by a long shot. (The Office wins)

Outstanding Drama Series

"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
"House" (FOX)
"The Sopranos" (HBO)
"24" (FOX)
"The West Wing" (NBC)

The new rules helped ATAS this 2/5's right. Grey's Anatomy lost me when they had that "Code Black" episode after the Superbowl. House is simply a procedural in a hospital -- is it possible to trade in a nomination for Outstanding Drama for a nomination for Best Actor in a Drama? The West Wing has lost all relevancy in post-9/11 culture.

The Sopranos and 24 are watercooler shows -- and for good reasons -- however these past 12 episodes of the Sopranos were sub par, possibly the worst of all its seasons. It felt like most characters were just going through the motions. Maybe David Chase used this season as a setup for some really great, final episodes. Either way, The Sopranos shouldn't win -- meaning 24 is the only deserving show.

More importantly why are Rome and Six Feet Under Missing? Did the "blue ribbon panel" convene beforehand and say, "We need to be nice to the other networks -- only one HBO show per major category."? They picked the wrong show for most categories (except Jeremy Piven) -- Rome might have been the most complete single season of any program ever produced. It was certainly one of the most expensive and ostentatious seasons ever produced -- and it gets next-to-nothing. Six Feet Under had its best season as its final season. If you did not get even a little emotional after the final episode, you have a black hole filled with dead babies inside you instead of a soul.

For everyone who is crying about Lost not being there: it was a weak season with little coherency. Just because more questions were answered than last season doesn't make this season better. Lost might be the most enjoyable show on TV, but that doesn't make it the best. When I saw that The Shield was pretty much non-existent in the eyes of ATAS, it felt as if a grenade blew up in my lap. (West Wing wins, television critics around the world commit mass suicide).

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I feel as if I just expunged a dark little ball of hate from deep inside me -- hey, it's a slow summer, and I love TV. I work with the material I'm given, that's all. If you're interested in forming your own opinion about the nominees, click here to view the actual "submitted for your consideration" material that was given to members of ATAS.

Here's a wild idea: The first Emmy Award for "Best Dramatic Show" was given to Pulitzer Prize Playhouse in 1951 -- there were four nominated shows. In 1960, the field for "Outstanding Program Achievement in the Field of Drama" grew to five nominated shows with Playhouse 90 winning. Now, with six broadcast networks (soon to be five) and dozens of cable networks with hundreds of hours of original programming, isn't it time to expand the fields once again?

As long as we don't see King of Queens nominated for Outstanding Comedy Series along with Two and a Half Men, I'm sticking with that idea.

Highlights from Abroad

2006-07-12T20:54:00.000-05:00

Pittsburgh is a fun place for a baseball game, regardless if it's the All Star Game (let's not even get into when the next World Series in Pittsburgh will take place). I can't say that I've been to all the newer, well planned ballparks, but I can't think of a better place for a spectator sport stadium. The facility is top notch, for one; it's accessible by car (tons of parking), foot (they close down the Roberto Clemente Bridge from downtown for games), and even boat (there's a riverboat stop in center field). The view from both sides of the infield is spectacular -- either you get the mustard-yellow Clemente Bridge, or a really amazing, Citgo-sign beating all-American skyline.

Highlights:

The stadium
The last round of the HR derby
The last few innings of the All Star Game
The Original -- hot dogs with bacon and melted cheese (called Superdogs)
Primanti Brothers -- Subs stuffed with cold cuts, french fries and slaw
Buck O'Neil, after getting on a packed bus to an event, "Just like old times... back o' the bus."

Lowlights:

Almost getting shoved by an irate Rollie Fingers
Having to listen to Big and Rich, live, for two days in a row
The biggest non-MLB celebrity sighting: Artie Lang
Being surrounded by the sights, sounds and history of the Pirates, a team that is on its way to its 14th straight losing season.

To read that Pirates owner Kevin McClatchey was pleased with the attendance numbers of the Futures Game, but not say anything about the state of the team he actually owns made me blink several times. It's embarrassing that one of the oldest MLB franchises in history is doing this poorly. Mark Cuban can't save the Pirates soon enough.

Watch The Venture Brothers

2006-07-05T14:34:00.000-05:00

Most animated shows disappoint me. I haven't laughed at a Simpsons episode in about 6 years, and I could care less if South Park or Family Guy were cancelled tomorrow. In fact, I'd probably be happy about it.

Here is a show that actually worth your time:

Ken Jennings Has a Blog

2006-06-29T12:13:00.000-05:00

Former Jeopardy! stalwart Ken Jennings recently started a blog. No doubt, part of it has to do with him wanting to promote his first book that will be coming out in September. However, it's a really good read, with minimal book-plugging.

If you ever watched a KJ Jeopardy! episode, you would see him as a rather quiet, geeky, dorky player. Reading his words, however, will change your mind -- he's geeky, dorky, and articulate. And man, this guy has watched a lot of TV.

So far he's delved into the legal battle that erupted from the publishing of an "unofficial" Seinfeld trivia book, as well as devoted an entire entry to the subject of failed television shows that were based on movies titled: “I know John Lithgow. I worked with John Lithgow. And you, Bruce Davison, are no John Lithgow!”.

One great aspect of his writing is that he'll spew a ton of trivial facts, references, quotations, character names, etc., but not give any hints as the where in the pop-culture universe they come from -- either you're in on the joke, or you're out in the cold.

Check out the blog here. I'll soon be adding a section of links to interesting blogs/whatevers that are by people I don't know personally, but still enjoy.

Happy Anniversary

2006-06-29T12:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, it was two years ago today that I was so bored at work, I started a blog. It was one of my most clever entries.

Thanks to you, the readers, all eight of you, who have read and commented from way back when.

Summer sports

2006-06-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

I guess the NHL still hasn't gotten the memo -- "Your championship series of games takes place in the second week of JUNE."

Despite that and my total lack of enthusiasm for professional hockey, I did watch game seven of the Stanley Cup finals. It was actually good, despite one of the teams being from south of the Mason-Dixon Line. I'm not sure what it is about hockey that doesn't attract more people -- the action is pretty non-stop, players are crashing into boards every 30 seconds, you're almost guaranteed a brawl, and if the arena is packed, it's a loud and high-energy atmosphere. Watching the game in HD on Monday night was actually enjoyable. Maybe if a goal counted for six points, things would be different.

Hockey also one-ups basketball late in close games. While the final minute of a close basketball game might actually take 10 minutes with all the intentional fouling that goes on, hockey pretty much take as long as the clock says. How refreshing.

I also caught the last half of the NBA Finals game seven last night. Bill Simmons was pretty right on that the subplot of this year's finals was 90's NBA vs. 00's NBA. The Heat went Michael-Jordan-style with a superstar (Wade) an all-star (Shaq) everybody else on the team. The Mavs had their superstar (Dirk), but everyone else on the team was called upon to give it their all -- not just feed the ball to Dirk and hope for the best.

It was a pretty good game. I wasn't rooting for either team really, just the sport of basketball. Now that Antoine Walker is a world champion, I can sleep easy.

Remember when the Celtics were the greatest NBA franchise of all-time? I hardly do either. Their media guide probably still says it. It's a joke when you see the quality of play that took place over the last two rounds of the NBA playoffs and then get a piece of direct mail asking for several hundreds of dollars to watch the Celtics play the Pacers. You know a team is in trouble when it resorts to advertising who they're playing, rather than who is playing for them.

Carl's Netflix Review #6

2006-06-16T15:42:00.000-05:00

The 4400 (season 1)
4/5 stars

The 13-episode-season is one of the few good trends happening in television (reality programming and talent shows of the average joe/celebrity kind being a couple of the worst and most tired). Viewers are treated with rich storylines that run for the 13 episodes, and in most cases -- because these programs are on cable -- it's hard to miss a week when a show is repeated almost every day. The doldrums of summer repeats is subsiding.

HBO invented this practice and now FX, TNT and USA are moving forward with it -- and with success.

I'm not sure how I heard about The 4400. I saw somewhere that the third season was to premier last week, so I decided now would be a good time to Netflix the DVD's and play catch-up. I'm always willing to give a science fiction program a look.

The 4400 is the poor man's X-Files, which I suppose is better than no x-Files at all. In the pilot episode, 4400 people who were thought to have been abducted an disappeared over the last 50 years all of a sudden return in the mountains of Seattle. The show follows the stories of these 4400 "returnees" and the federal investigators who are trying to figure it all out. Your average show consists of a few storylines:

1) Investigation of the week: It seems that each of the 4400 has also gained some special powers since they were away. Usually every week someone ends up dead and it's up to Federal investigators Tom and Diane to solve a crime.

2) The pregnant girl and her boyfriend who also happened to be her grandmother's boyfriend because he's from 1951 and she's from 1991: Her baby might be the second coming of Christ or something. She can sense its feelings while still in the womb. Season one ends with them on the way to the hospital.

3) Boring Billy and his brother's boink-able girlfriend: This is the most annoying subplot. Billy -- I think his character name is actually Seth -- can heal things just by touching them. How Carnivale. He can also suck life out of people by the same method, if he's pissed. For some reason his younger brother's hot girlfriend is immediately attracted to him upon his return (she was 14 when he disappeared, now she's 17). He's conflicted, but he's also horny and they have sex.

4) Federal agent Tom's son Kyle: He was with Billy/Seth -- his cousin -- when Seth was abducted. Kyle went into a coma instead. In the season one finale, it turns out whatever/whoever was behind the abductions was using his body as a ways of communicating with modern-day people. Too bad he took a three year nap.

The writing is pretty atrocious and the sexual chemistry between Tom and Diane is pretty forced, but I can't stop watching -- and I can't help from giving it four stars. Peter Coyote is the biggest name in the cast.

Despite all this I'm liking it. If you're bored of what's on TV in the summer, and miss the X-Files enough to want to see a shadow of what it used to be, check out The 4400.