7.11.2005

The Pacifier... is the Greatest Movie of All Time

OK, maybe it was because I was stuck on a plane from Amsterdam to Boston and have an unusual man-crush on Vin Diesel. I didn't watch the episode of George Lopez, and only paid half-attention to the showing of Because of Winn-Dixie, but I could NOT turn my eyes from THE PACIFIER. Let me just say this, and then let you wrap your mind around it: Vin Diesel is the baddest-ass motherfucker to ever step on the screen. You have some bratty children who need their asses kicked? Have Vin Diesel kick them for you.

He can use this baby as a weapon!

Though I wouldn't call the plot convoluted, it's kind of hard to explain how VIN ends up being the badass babysitter, but it all happens in the first 10 minutes, so it's only 10 minutes of non-DIESEL time before 85 minutes of the best damn fish-out-of-water since King Ralph. Vin Diesel kicks these bratty kids' asses, then he kicks some ninja ass, then he kicks some Sound of Music ass, then he kicks some MORE ninja ass. And then he gets Lauren Graham.

Boys -- if you want to get laid... do not rent this movie on "movie night". Rent Amelie or something else precocious and lowbrow. The Pacifier is truly a film for the ages. Some may say that DIESEL was doing it just for the money. You know what? It's true. We're all doing it for the money. The man has biceps larger than your house. He NEEDS to eat.

More babies means more weapons!

PS. The Pacifier was written by Thomas Lennon, who stars as Lt. Dangle in Reno 911! along with Ben Garant who plays Dep. Junior in the same show. This is obviously an odd turn for such comedians, but a welcome one.

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